Jokes

A blonde is driving down the road in the country and spots another blonde, in a canoe, in a wheat field, rowing like crazy. She slams on the brakes and rolls down the window and yells to the woman,"What are you doing? You're in a field! "
The woman stops briefly to listen and then returns to rowing like mad.
Angry because she's been ignored she yells again,"Hey! Stop that! You're making us blondes look dumb."
Ignored again the blonde in the car yells," You're lucky I can't swim or I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

Queen Elizabeth II & Dolly Parton both die on the same day,& they both go before St.Peter to see who will get in heaven.Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day,so St.Peter must decide which of them gets in.St.Peter asks Dolly if there is any particular reason why she should get into heaven.So she takes off her top & says"Look at these,there two of the most perfect God created & I'm sure it will please him to see them everyday for eternity." St.Peter thanks Dolly & asks Queen Liz the same question. The Queen pulls down hes skirt & panties,takes a bottle of Perrier water from her purse,Shakes it up & douches with it. St.Peter says "OK,your Majesty,you may enter." Dolly was outraged,she screams,"What the hell was that all about,I show you two of Gods most perfect creations & I'm denied entry,She performs a disgusting hygiene act & gets in! I don't get it!" "Sorry,Dolly" says St.Peter,"But a royal flush beats a pair any day."

My grandad moved into a nursing home,so I rang them up to see how he was settling in....
The Nurse said,"He's like a fish out of water."
So I said,"What,is he finding it hard to adjust?"
"No" she replied "He's dead!"

I tried mugging an old age pensioner yesterday.
I said,"Give me all your money now bitch,or your geography."
"Don't you mean history?" she replied.
I said,"Don't try to change the subject."

My ex wife was deaf and she left me for a deaf friend of hers...
To be honest,I should have seen the signs

I was walking down the road the other day and saw this advert in the window that said "Television for sale - £1 - Volume Stuck On Full."
I thought...."I can't turn that down."

A rooster and a cat are standing by a pool and the cat falls in.
The rooster laugh!!
The moral is: Where you find a wet pussy,you'll find a happy cock.

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the hottest girl he sees.
"Hi the names Bond" he says.
"Let me guess, James Bond" she replies.
"No" he says. "Unibond. I'm here to fill your crack."

Whats the name of the fairy story about an uncircumcised troll?
Rumpled Foreskin

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage & a long reletionship..... She replied "Wear a seatbelt & don't piss me off."

Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
It's for foul balls.

What is worse than getting f*#ked by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

What's blue & f*#ks grannies?
Hypothermia

What's green & yellow & eats nuts?
Gonorrhoea.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.That's alot,Oxfam can supply a whole African village for £2 a month:time to change my supplier.

Being a Conservative man,When i checked into my hotel on a recent trip,I said to the lady at the reception desk...."I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied,"No,it's regular porn,you sick bastard."

I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, shaggable girl walked up to me. She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts sucking me as if she's dying of thirst. She sucked long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.

Then I realised I'm a straw.
_______________________________
Me and my mate went up to this slutty blonde girl in a club and I said to her, "I hope you are ready for double penetration."

She said, "Why, have you got 2 penises?"
_______________________________
I love my house to smell like Jasmine and Candy during the Winter season,

Shame I'll have to dump the bodies soon.

Recipe of Love

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

I was in a club on Saturday night when a fat girl came up and squeezed my arse.
She said " Can I have your number?"
I asked "Have you got a pen?"
She replied "Yes."
Which I replied "Well fuck off back to it before the farmer knows your missing."

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner, but his wife was already preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he grabbed his cell phone and texted his wife:
"The tent pole is up,
the canvas is spread.
The hell with breakfast,
come back to bed."

The wife answered the text:
"Take the tent pole down,
put the canvas away.
The monkey's exhausted.
No circus today."

So he sent another text:
"The tent pole's still up
and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you're doing
and come give me some head."

To which she texted back:
"I know that your pole's
the best in the land,
but I'm busy right now,
so do it by hand."