Jokes

A man came home from work,sat down in his favourite chair,turned on the TV,said to his wife "Quick!bring me a beer before it starts!" She looked a little puzzled,but brought him a beer.When he finished it,he said,"Quick! bring me another beer,it's gonna start!" This time she looked a little bit angry,but brought him a beer.When it was gone,he said,"Quickly!Another beer,It's gonna start any second" "That's it!"she blows her top,"You bastard,You waltz in here,flop your fat arse down,don't even say hello to me & then you expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that i cook & clean & wash & iron all day long? The husband sighed,"Ohh Shit,It's started!"

I walked into my Mums bedroom & under the bed i saw a suitcase half open.My curiosity got the better of me,so i opened the case.In it was a leather mask,leather cape,crotchless leather shorts & a leather whip.....I couldn't believe it..My Mum a superhero!!!

Did you know that 69% of all people find something dirty in every sentence...


"Fuck you you're not my real ladder" I cried to my step-ladder...


A guy goes to his doctors, the doctor says "Look, I don't know how to tell you this but you've got to stop masturbating".
The guy says "Why?"
"So that I can examine you"...


I hid my wife's Christmas present in her own drawer.
The one were she keeps all her sexy knickers and stockings that she used to wear.
She'll never think to look in there, ever...

A guy staying at a top london hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box.
Back in his hotel room he rang the number, and a woman with a silky soft voice asked wheather she could be of assistance.
"Yes" he said. "I'd like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, pvc, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?"
The woman said: "That sounds really good and i'd like to oblige, but if you press 9 first, you'll get an outside line..."

The new local Pastor, Mr Flaps, is walking past his local pub. As he peers thru the window, he sees one of his choir girls looking at bit worse for wear. He walks in and says "Hi it's Mr Flaps here, don't you think you have had enough to drink,
especially as we are in church tomorow".
"No" slured the girl and grabbed hold of the pastor. As she fell back with him on top of her, the short skirt she was wearing hitches right up to her hips."What's going on here"? asked the landlord. "Oh, it's ok" replied the pastor. "I'm pastor Flaps" "Well in that case carry on " said the landlord.

HUSBAND & WIFE
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband-Aah!..At last i can hardly wait!
Wife-Do you want me to leave?
Husband-No!Don't even think about it.
Wife-Do you love me?
Husband-Of course!Always have,Always will.
Wife-Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband-No!Why are you even asking?
Wife-Will you kiss me?
Husband-Every chance i get.
Wife-Will you hit me?
Husband-Hell no,Are you crazy?
Wife-Can i trust you?
Husband-Yes
Wife-Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE:read from bottom to top

I was on the tube once,Suddenly the carriage filled with thick smoke.Loads of women were screaming,They never found out it was me who groped them.

FELLAS,Stand outside Ann Summers shops dressed in a security guards uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket.When a fit bird walks out.Simply press the test button & Voila! A free grope.

This Police officer came round my house the other day & asked me to turn on the PC..So i fondled her tits.

As my teacher marked my homework,she said,"This is wrong" I said"What,Q.2" She said"No,you feeling my tits"

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


Having performed 4 non-slip mono loops, 2 Albright knots and 3 double surgeons knots, I decided to get rid of the old Christmas lights and buy some new ones!


Fuck all of my family who say I'm a jumped up snob... they certainly won't be coming for roast swan and a song round the piano on Christmas Day!

Sky reports:A top footballer has been jailed for 18 months for groping a woman & breaking her nose.What a coincidence!So has Marlon King.

Just got myself one of those hands free kit or as most folk call them a girlfriend.

I was getting a hand-job off the girlfriend,When i asked,"How are you so good at this?" "Years of practice"she said."Bit of a player?"I laughed,"No"she replied,"My dad had no arms!"

On the bus home last night,I was on the top deck & the only other person was this girl.It was plain we had both drank too much but one thing lead to another & i ended up cumming all over her face,I bet she was f*#king livid when she woke up though.

I was reading the Kamasutra & was instantly attracted to number 15,'The Pirate'.To do this you shag your girl from behind & just before your about to cum,you pull out & spit on her back.(so that she thinks you have finished)Then as she turns over,you cum on her face.This is called The Pirate due to her reaction;She covers her eyes & shouts "ARGGHHH."

A boy was sitting on Santa's lap. Santa put his finger on the boys nose and tapping out the letters said:
"I bet your name is T-i-m-m-y."
The little boy's eyes lit up. Then Santa put his finger on the boy's nose again and said:
"I bet you want a b-i-k-e."
"How did you no that?" asked the boy.
"Because i'm Santa, and i know everything."
The little boy thought for a moment and said:
"I bet you like g-i-r-l-s."
"Well yes," replied Santa. "How did you know that?"
The boy replied, "Because your finger smells like p-u-s-s-y!"

A Marine,Deployed in Afghanistan.Recieves a letter from his girlfriend, In the letter she explained that she had slept with two men & she wants to break up & she wanted pictures of herself back.So the Marine did what any squared off Marine would do, He went around all his squad & collected all the unwanted photos of women he could get.He then mailed them(25 pics of girls with/without clothes)to his girlfriend with the following note:"I don't remember which one you are.Please remove your pictures & send the rest back."

I was in a lift & ended up standing next to this women.She smelled just like my ex-girlfriend,the same perfume or something.Don't you think it's great how a smell/aroma can make you think of some thing else & remind you of certain things,Anyway,I'm in this lift strangling this woman..

I have a math problem;If phone calls to Babestation cost £1.53 a min & i spend 17mins calling on saturday night,14mins on sunday,22mins on wednesday,37min on friday.How much is my girlfriend going to kick my ass.