Jokes

An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ?
Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it, mate?
Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !
Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table.
Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, all right.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi, Brian.
Brian: Hi, Sharelle.
Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth, honey.
Sharelle: Okay.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway. Just tell them.
Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse!
Radio Silence — Advertising
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

While he was hiding in Iraq, Saddam Hussein had a concealed bunker in a ziggurat.
Unfortunately he burnt his lunch one day and the smoke alerted the americans.
Saddam ran for it - he knew that smoking ziggurats were bad for his stealth.


A sergeant and two men from his platoon go to a pub.
The sergeant asks an attractive barmaid to join him in a game of pool, but she tells him she'd rather play with his privates.

I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my missus calls her a whore...

My pet pig can play pool equally well right or left handed:
He's hambidextrous...

A bloke in the pub shouts in a drunken rage, "All lawyers are cunts!!"
I got up and screamed "Hey! You take that back! I take offence to that!"
The bloke slurs, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No. I'm a cunt." I replied punching him in the face...

My mate asked for a wind up watch for Christmas.
So I bought him a bracelet...

A nurse in a mental ward is doing her rounds when she sees Bill in his room pretending to drive a car.
"I'm going to Bristol," he tells her.
Later that day the nurse comes by again and sees Bill pertending to park his car.
"I'm in Bristol i am," says Bill.
The nurse then looks in the room next to Bill, and sees Bill's mate Ted frantically masturbating.
"Ted! What the hell are you doing? she rages.
Ted replies, "I'm screwing Bill's wife while he's out of town."

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sex with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a boner their head would be chopped off.

So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a boner, so that was the end of him.

Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a boner and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a boner. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a boner.

A man went to a tattoo parlour and had the words "Yes" and "No" tattooed on his dick.
When he got home, he stripped off and showed his wife his aroused organ and its new tattoo.
"What do you think?" he asked.
"What do i think?" she yelled. "You tell me how to cook, tell me how to dress, tell me how to clean the house...and now you're gonna put words in my mouth!"

A man moves to the country and decides to buy some livestock.
He goes to a farmer and says:

"I want to buy a rooster, a chicken, and a donkey."

"Sure", says the farmer. "But there's things you should know. Round here we call a rooster, a cock, a chicken, a pullet, and a donkey an ass. Now i can sell you all three but mind the ass, he's very bad-tempered, and if he tries to bite you, just scratch his ears to calm him down."

So the man tucks the pullet and the cock under each arm and starts to ride the ass home. Unfortunatly the ass begins trying to bite him, so he climbs off.

He recalls the farmers advice about scratching the ears, but can't do anything as he has a bird under both arms. At this moment an old lady walks by.

"Excuse me" says the man. "Could you do me a favour? Could you hold my cock and pullet while i scratch my ass..."

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat."
"Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?"
"Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."

Have you heard of Billy the brown nosed reindeer?
He flies right behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly!!

To all women who said to me "I wouldn't sleep with you if it was the end of the world"...
Not long left to change your mind...

What do you call a lesbian orgy at kfc?
A boneless banquet!

Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about the state of their stale relationships.
They decide to surprise their men that night by wearing bondage-style leather bodices, stilettos and masks. A week later they meet again to compare views.

The engaged girlfriend says:
"When my boyfriend came home he found me with the leather look bodice, 6" stilettos and mask. He took one look at me and said:
"You look fantastic, i love you, then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress says:
"I met my lover in his office and i was wearing the leather bodice, huge stilettos, mask and a raincoat. When i opened the raincoat, he didn't say much....but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman says:
"I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready, bodice, stilettos, mask, the works. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said, " Okay Batman, what's for bloody dinner?"

One day there were four people absent from class. The next day one of the boys came back to school, and the teacher asked where were you. And then he replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. Then the next day, another boy came in and the teacher asked where were you? He replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. The next day the third boy came in and said where were you and he replied on top of Beverly Hills. And next the third person which was a girl came in and the teacher asked where were you. And before the girl could say anything the teacher said let me guess on top of Beverly Hills. And the girl said no I am Beverly Hills.