Jokes

I own Call of Duty Modern Warfare, World at War, Modern Warfare 2 and Black Ops, so deciding what I wanted for Christmas was easy.
I really want to get laid.....

A lot of people look forward to Christmas because it's a carefree relaxing time.
Eamonn Holmes said that he likes to ''sit on the sofa, lounge around and eat a lot''
He also said he said he's looking forward to Christmas...

Has anyone elses' world ended yet?
Mayan hasn't...

An old man in hospital complained to the nurse: "My dick died."

Later, when the doctor made his rounds, he told him once again: "My dick died."

And when sister came round that evening, the old man again told her: "My dick died."

Next day the doctor saw him walking through the ward, exposing himself. The doctor says:
"Your penis is hanging out of your pyjamas."

The old man replied: "Well i told you my dick died."
"So...?
"Well, today's the viewing."

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"

He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

My wife has worked as a magicians assistant for years now.I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home early from work today & she was in the bedroom.She said,"Abracadabra!" & my mate, Dave came out of the wardrobe,stark bollock naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the f*#k was going on.

How the f#*k am i supposed to stay with the same women for the rest of my life, when i can't even wank over the same porn twice?

When i was a child my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said,"Just use a f*#king spoon, Mike.You're not a bloody jedi."

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking, And then i saw her face.

Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, Meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world.
That honour now goes to Manchester City.

Geronimo decides it is time to give his three sons their adult names because they have reached manhood. He gathers them to his tent, along with the elders and turns to his eldest son.
"Son you will be called "Eagle."
The third and youngest son interrupts, "Dad, dad, what will i be called?"
"All in good time, my son," replies Geronimo.
He continues, "You will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise."
The elders agree. Geronimo then turns to his second eldest son. The third son interrupts again: "Dad, dad what will i be called?"
"All in good time my son."
Geronimo tells his second eldest, "Son you will be called Hawk."
The third son says again, "Dad, dad what will my name be?"
"All in good time my son", comes the reply. He continues,
"You will be called Hawk because you are quick and and posess good vision."
The elders agree. He then turns to the third son, who is still asking, "Dad, dad what will i be called?"
"Son, you will be called Thrush."
"Why is that dad?" he asks excitedly
"Because my son, you are an irritating cunt."

To all those women who watch the football & shout "Pass it to Frank" or "Bring Joe Cole on," f*#k off.
You didn't see me at Sex & the City 2, Shouting "F*#k Carrie up the arse."

Billy:"Mum, I've got the biggest cock at primary school, Is that because i'm a big boy?"
Mum:"No, It's because you're 23 & retarded.
Now watch before you get spaghetti down your new football top."

I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend, when she said,
"I think my tits are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."
"Hmm," I replied, "My hands are too small.....What do you think i should do?"
She said,"Do you want a hand job?"
She's a keeper.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard & a German are all standing watching a street performer do some Juggling.
The Juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view.So he stands up on a large wooden box & calls out,"Can you all see me now?
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge with a use by date of 21/12/12. I think it's the Mayan-aise.

I put my wife and kids in an underground bunker in our garden last night.
I've told them to give it 11 days then come out.
Just enough time for me to have a hassle free Christmas and New Year...

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contact" in a sentence. Josh gets up and says, "My older sister wears contact lenses"
"Well done Josh," says the teacher, "Anyone else?"
Katie jumps up and says "I just entered Susie into my phone as a contact"
"Very good Katie," says the teacher. "Someone else have a go"
Little Johnny gets up and says "My dad won't watch anything with Danny Dyer in it. He says he can't bear to watch that contact"

One, Two, Three.....Rock, Paper, Scissors.....
Wife's Christmas present done!..

A drunk walking down the street was stopped by a cop.
"Where are you going at 3am?"
"To a lecture" replies the drunk.
"Who gives a lecture a 3am" says the cop.
"My f**king wife!"


Please remember at this time of year, a doggy is not just for xmas.
It's a great position all year round

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, ''Why haven't we had sex in so long?''
''You know I'm worried it will hurt the baby.'' Sandra told him.
''I'll be really gentle. I promise.'' Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they have sex.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, ''Are you my father?'' The doctor shakes his head, then to Sandra, ''Are you my father?''
''No, I'm your mother.'' she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, ''Are you my father?'' Jim nods, The baby starts hitting him on the head and says ''How does this feel?''