Jokes

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting."

Went to see Life of Pi earlier.
Adele was also there but left after five minutes when she realised it wasn't what she thought it would be...

What's the difference between my wife and Robin van Persie?
My wife hasn't taken a ball to the face in years...

Apparently it's impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one minute.
Always up for a challenge I thought I'd give it a go.
I managed three and then I choked on a plastic moustache...

My wife says she is leaving me because apparently, I'm a narcissist.
I think the real reason is that she's jealous of my good looks...

What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?

Nurses can take a temperature.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.

A husband came out of the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed as usual when his wife complained, as usual:
"I have an headache."
"Perfect" said the husband. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"


A man an wife were having marital problems, so they went to see a counselor. The counselor in an attempt to break the ice from which to begin his analysis said:
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common?"
After a short pause the husband replies:
"Well, neither of us sucks dicks."

A woman went to see her doctor. She complained that her husband said she'd developed a bum like a horse.
The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the couch.
After examining her, he told her to get dressed, went back to his desk and began writing.
"What are you writing doctor?" she asked.
The doctor replies: "It's a permit letter, allowing you to shit in the street."


Saw a drunk staggering down the street on xmas eve, shouting "Vodka" at random passers by. I thought to myself, That's the spirit pal.

Two Polar Bears were in the North Pole eating a clown, and one bear says to the other

"does this tastes funny to you".

Boom Boom

From my cracker yesterday.

A man was in prison for ten years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up.
He got in the car and the only thing he said was, "F.F"
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F"
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F"
She responded, "E.F"
He repeated, "F.F"
She again replied, "E.F"
"Mom, Dad, what's going on" their son yelled.
The man replies, "Your mother wants to eat first son."

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!"

"Good. I'd like a portrait of Brad Pitt on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Antonio Banderas on the inside of my left thigh. And i want them both looking at my pussy."

"No problem", strip from the waist down, and get on the table.
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

"That doesn't look anything like them!" she cries loudly.
"Oh yes it does" says the artist confidently, "And i can prove it."

He runs out of the parlour and grabs the first man off the street, who so happens to be the town drunk.

"Well what do you think?" the woman asks spreading her legs apart.
"Do you know who these men are?"

The drunk studies the tattoos for a while and says:
"I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...

I got an Amazon voucher for Christmas.
I've ordered two piranha fish and a pygmy...

I got it all wrong the first time I played Top Trumps.
I followed through and shit myself...

My missus said that she loves eating chocolate oranges but they always make her cough.
Maybe the fat cow should try separating the pieces instead of swallowing it whole...