Jokes

I ate 20 yoghurts in a row last night. I was mullered.

Went to a karaoke bar last night and discovered they did'nt play any 70's music. At first i was afraid... i was petrified.

Scientists managed to build a robot that walked 14 miles unaided this week. The Proclaimers were unimpressed.

How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
One post, two Globes, and many Times.

A guy walks into an optician's with a 12" turd in a carrier bag.

The optician says, "I'm an eye specialist not a gastric doctor."

The guy replies, "I know that, but every time i drop one of these, my eyes don't half water."


I went to see the doctor the other day and before i could say a word he said, " This takes me back to my youth."

"What does?" i asked.

The Tardis over there in the corner."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

I saw Simon Cowell in his giant Landrover the other day.

"Stop polluting the planet, you rich cunt!" I shouted.

"Oh leave off," he yelled back. "Just because you can't afford a car like mine."

"Car?" I said. "I'm on about the state of our music industry."

Americans have started a petition to kick Piers Morgan out of the country. Meanwhile, a counter-campaign has been launched in Britain to refuse to take him back.

I hope we can meet the Yanks halfway on this, and put the cunt in the middle of the Atlantic.

Two blind daters had really hit it off, and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his flat, the man said:

"Before we go any further, tell me, do you have any special fetishes that i should take into account in bed."

"As a matter of fact," smiled the woman, "I do happen to have a foot fetish, but i suppose i'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

Came home from work this morning to find the missus singing away in the kitchen.
"You ought to consider taking singing up, love." I told her.
"Do you really think so?" She beamed.
"Certainly." I said.

"Up the fucking stairs, out of earshot."
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Having a wank is like having a shit.
It's got to be done and its alright to have two a day...
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I prefer my maltesers out of a box.
I like them covered in pussy juice...
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There have always been people who believe man never landed on the Moon!
Well, to honour a late celebrity , I am setting out to prove the International Space Station is nothing more than Thunderbird 5...

My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery.

it's her version of sign language, sew to speak

my mate told me he was diabetic, i said, "that's nothing, i'm alphabetic!"

I hate the way clocks turn. Im anti-clockwise