Jokes

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous. When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense.
"Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?" The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes. So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch.
"Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and begin an animated conversation.

The Lady sitting behind them hears one of the men say,

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul mouthed swine," says the lady. "Don't broadcast your sex life in public like that!"

"Hey, isa all right lady," replies the man. "Imma just tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

"one direction" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence?
I think not.

I don't get girls.
I don't understand them either.

my new years resolution for 2009 is to buy a new calender

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my double decaf, extra foamy, low-fat latte.

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I?

Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles. (and that joke)

One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.
ICU baby, shaking that ass.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We haven't done a gig yet.

'Wolfgang!' said Mozart's friend
'What?' said Mozart
And then they were both eaten by a gang of wolves.

My dad never loved me as a child.
I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

Constipation: same shit, different day.

If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex.
98% replied. "No, he just rolls over and goes to bloody sleep."

A man was on a date with a woman. They returned to her place and were sitting on the sofa. Nibbling on her earlobe, the man whispered,
"You know, I'd like a little soft wet pussy."
She said, "Oh me too, mine's like an enamel bucket."

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."


I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.


"A quiet man is a thinking man".....
....a quiet woman is usually pissed off.

A man gives his girlfriend a small diamond.

"You said i was getting an engagement ring, this is just an unmounted stone" complains the the girl.

"Don't worry babe", says the man. "It'll be mounted the day after you are."

I was chatting to this woman online earlier, she said:
"So tell me, what do they call you?"
"Tripod" 'I replied.
"Oooh, why do they call you that, got a big cock have you?" She asked.
"No" I said, "I smell like tripe and I'm a bit odd."


One reason men and women are different...
Say ballroom to a woman she thinks dancing.
Say ballroom to a man he thinks boxer shorts.


Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7...