Jokes

When her husband cancelled his vacation to the Caribbean because of business commitments, the wife decided to go alone.

Making the most of her freedom, she allowed herself to be seduced by a handsome dark Caribbean man. After a night of passionate sex, she asked him what his name was.

"I'm not telling you, because you'll laugh."he said.
"No i wont" she said.
"You will."
"I won't - I promise"
"Ok, my name is Snow."
The woman burst out laughing.
"I knew you'd make fun of it!" He said.
"No, it's just that my husband won't believe me when i tell him that i had ten inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean."

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a few beers with them.
Dave replied, ''No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.''
Dave's friend said, ''When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex. She won't say anything.''
So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After a while, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.
When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. ''How did you get here?'' he asked.
''Shhhh,'' she replied, ''my mom is sleeping.''

After a whirlwind romance, a woman and an older millionaire decide to get married.

The woman is worried that they don't know enough about each other, but the millionaire believes it will be more fun to discover each other in wedlock.

On Their honeymoon the millionaire leaps from the diving board of their hotel pool and executes a perfect dive.

"I used to be a diving champion when i was younger" he tells his wife.
"You see i told you it would be fun getting to know each other this way."

His wife agrees, then dives in the pool herself and does 50 lengths in a row.

"Wow" says her husband. "I'll bet you used to be some sort of Olympic swimmer."

"No replies his wife. "I was a whore in Venice who used to work both sides of the canal."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, i never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the tv and threw out all his beer.


A 12th century sixpence was recently uncovered at an archaeological dig in central Scotland. Gathered around it were four skeletons on their hands and knees.

A man takes his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment.

"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor" he said. " She goes for any man, and i get extremely jealous, can you help her?"

"I'll do my best" the doctor said. He told the man to wait outside while he took is wife into the examination room. Once inside he told her to undress and get on the table and lie on her stomach.

The moment her touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.

Hearing the moaning and groaning the man bursts in and rages, "Doctor, what the hell are you doing?"

The flustered doctor thinking on his feet said, " It's okay i'm only taking your wife's temperature!"

The man went into his inside coat pocket, pulled out a switchblade knife, began to hone it on his sleeve and said,
"Doc, when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it."

The missus caught me wanking and said "I don't know why you have to keep doing that",
I said "You ought to try it then you'd know".
"Very funny, you know I haven't got a dick".
"You can borrow mine if you want"...


My mate just asked me, "What's your favorite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in tampax adverts."


My mate is so tight he is going to scrape off the word DROG off his last seasons Chelsea shirt, and wear it again this season...

a man was playing darts when three nuns walked in, he threw the first dart and got 20, threw the second and got 60, he threw the third one directly at the nuns and basically stabbed her in the throat, and the man said, "ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY!!"

A woman had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came back home with a man.

It would shout all kinds of obscenities, always starting off with,
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"

In desperation, she went to her local pet shop and explained her problem to the owner.

"What you need is a female parrot, but i don't have one at the moment, meanwhile borrow this female owl and i'll contact you when i have a female parrot for you."

She took the owl home and put it near the parrot. Straight away she could tell the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it with intense hatred.

Later that night, the woman brought her latest boyfriend back, hoping the owl would have had the desired effect in keeping the parrot quiet. She opened the door and immediatly heard the parrot say:

"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"

The owl said "Whooo, Whooo?"

The parrot replied, "Not you, you big-eyed son of a bitch.

i know you won't believe me, but i'm arabic... no, i'm syria-ous

My dream is to be married to a TV news weather girl.
But only so I could be with a woman who knew she wasn't always fucking right...


I love making an entrance.
Becoming a Sex Change Surgeon was a great move...


What has a woman and music got in common?
It's only worth talking about it if it's got a decent ring to it...