Jokes

What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A frostitute!

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."

"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

As things started hotting up, a girl said to her boyfriend:
"Hey honey, slow down - foreplay is an art."
"Well you'd better get my canvas ready soon" he panted, "because i'm about to spill my paint."

Tis better to have loved a short woman... than never to have loved a tall.

Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night.
She lies on the bed, spread eagled and naked, and says:
"Paddy... you know what i want?"
"Yeah... the whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

News Flash:
A ship carrying a cargo of blue paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of red paint.
The crew from both ships were marooned....


I'm having a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online.
My boss is furious.....


The suspected remains of King Richard III have been found in a public car park in Leicestershire.
He didn't intend to be buried there but he overstayed his ticket by just five minutes and got clamped!!!

   

This girl sure has a big pussy!

Two Brothers - Tom And Bill - were national yodelling champions.
One night their car broke down in the middle of nowhere, forcing them to seek refuge at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer agreed to let them stay the night, but on the condition that they didn't try anything on with his beautiful daughter.

The brothers had a way of communicating over a particular distance by yodelling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signalled trouble, and meant for the other brother to run.

The next morning the farmer was up at first light and caught his daughter in bed with Tom. He grabbed his shotgun and shouted that he would start counting, adding that if Tom wasn't out of his sight by the count of ten, he would shoot him.

Tom leaped out of bed, sprinted downstairs, and had just cleared the farm gate when the farmer reached a count of eight. He yodelled the tune to warn his brother, but immediately the farmer shot Tom.

Bill came running from his room. "What happened?" he screamed.

The farmer said: "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and although i gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady too." So i shot him."

A teacher asked his students
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A student named John who sat in the middle row of the class said: A doctor?"
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.........


Babestation. Letting deaf people wank for free since 2008....


Emma Watson to star in the new Fifty Shades of Grey film eh?
Looks like mummy porn definitely just became daddy porn...

A macho young Italian stallion met a spectacular blonde in a bar in Rome. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some kissing and fondling, her took to the bedroom and made love.

Thirty minutes of passion later, he asked with a smile:"So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and replied: "No"

Taken aback, he resumed pumping away with renewed vigour. This time she thrashed about wildly and screamed in ecstasy. Twenty minutes later, he asked her again: " You finish?".

Pulling him close, she whispered "No"

Stunned, but damned if she was going to outlast him, he summoned up his last ounces of strength and began pumping away again.

A few minutes later they climaxed together, screaming, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhasusted, he fell onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again: "You finish?"

Equally out of breath, she puffed in his ear: "No! I Norwegian."

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.