Jokes

I really feel sorry for all those kids who turned up at the Justin Bieber gig.
Two hours waiting and the whinging little bell end actually turned up...


My ears pricked up when I heard something about the late Justin Bieber on the BBC news.....


Justin Bieber has said he's delighted at finally achieving a number one.
Maybe next time he can use the big boy toilet....


I got a lift home from the pub last night from one of the sexy bartenders.
After she asked me for my address, she looked at me, winked, then said, "I go all the way you know."
I said, "I'd like to fucking think so, I can't be arsed walking home."

A teenage boy met an elderly man who was carrying a bag.
"What's in the bag, mister? asked the boy.
"Magic apples" said the man.
"Prove it", the boy said.
"Well, besides apples, what are your favourite two fruits?"
"Watermelon, and peaches" he replied.
The man handed him an apple and told him to taste it. The boy took a bite and said it tasted like watermelon.
"Ok, turn it over" said the man.

The boy did, and took another bite. This tasted like peaches. All the same the boy remained unconvinced that the apples were magic, so the man told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy" grinned the boy.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it. He took a big bite, but spat it out immediately. Wiping his mouth, he said: "That tasted like shit!"
The man smiled and said: "Turn it over."

A man goes on holiday to the Bahamas. His wife is on a business trip and is planning to meet him there the next day.

When the man arrives at his hotel, he sends his wife a quick e-mail but mistypes the address.

The next day the grieving wife of a recently deceased preacher checks her e-mail, screams and drops dead from a heart attack.

Her family find a disturbing message on the computer screen:
"Dearest wife, just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do the job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad bit of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.
With that,the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man,he gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man's face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her arse in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh,you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is,It's the shit house door off the tuna boat!"

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist with indigestion. The nutritionist advises, "It's simple really, basically you are what you eat."
She replies, "Are you calling me a cunt?"

Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having sex with a girl but refuses to name her.

The priest asks, "Was it Susan Brown?"
"No father it wasn't" says the boy.
"It wasn't Julie Carter, by any chance was it?" asks the priest.
"No father it wasn't" says the boy.
"Was it "Mary Stewart then?"
"No it wasn't Father"

The priest gives up and says: "Well for your penance say fifty hail marys and leave half your pocket money in the poor box."

When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went.
The boy replies, "Not bad, a £5 fine and three great leads."

(05-03-2013 21:45 )The Truth Wrote:  A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do the job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad bit of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.
With that,the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man,he gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man's face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her arse in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh,you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is,It's the shit house door off the tuna boat!"

So did he get the job??

If Apple made cars, would they put Windows in them ?


When I was younger I had an obsession with Posh Spice.
It cost my mother a fortune in saffron....


My friend asked me if I could have any superpower, what would it be?
I said, 'Cold-War Russia' ...

A large bank hired a new CEO to rid the company of deadwood.
On a tour of the banks headquarters, he noticed a young man slouching against a counter with his hand in his pockets.

The room was full of employees and he wanted to let them know he wasn't to be messed with. He walked up to the young man and asked "How much money do you make a week?"

A bit surprised, the young man replied, "I make £300 a week. What's it to you?"

The CEO then took out his bulging wallet, and handed him £1,200 in cash and bawled, "Here's a months pay. Now SOD OFF and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty pleased with himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked. "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy bastard did around here?"

From the back of the room an employee shouted, "He delivered pizza from Domino's."

A man got lost Hill-walking. It was getting dark and rain was teeming down. Wondering where he could find shelter, he spied a farmhouse in the distance and hurriedly made his way there and knocked on the door.

"Can you please give me shelter for the night, as i've lost my way?" he asked the woman owner.
"You can sleep in the barn" she said sympathetically, handing him a blanket, but you'll have the cat and donkey to keep you company.

The man said that was fine. He ran to the barn in the dark and got tangled in the clothes line, tearing some clothes and dropping others on the ground.

He sat down in the barn, and decided to have a shave before settling down for the night. Suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder, and the man dropped his shaver. It landed on the cat, shaving some hair off. The cat jumped up. giving the man a fright and he fell backwards hitting a shelf of paints. The paints fell on the donkey and the donkey squealed.

The woman came running in. "I'm calling the cops" she yelled dialling 999. "Hello officer? A man just ran into my barn, ripped off my clothes, shaved my pussy, and painted my ass!"

A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead.
Her friend lives way out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her.
The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes.
The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel & the seat.
He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on.
He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it,and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station.
She finds the clerk and says, "Help,my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I'm sorry love,I think he's too far in."