Jokes

During a training session a football coach went ballistic, when her saw his team all out in the middle of the pitch, with their shorts down wanking themselves. "What the hell are you doing?" he said.
"Well" said the captain, "You told us to get out here and pull ourselves together!"


A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalger Square. Splashing around he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column.
"Don't jump!" he shouts. "This is the shallow end!."

I've been invited to a party, but it sounds like they're expecting trouble.
They advised me to bring a bottle....


My boss rang me yesterday morning he said, "I'm not coming in today can you watch the office."
"Sure." I replied.
Next day my boss showed up for work, "What the fuck happened in here?" He snapped, "I told you to watch the office."
I said, "I did, all day, that Ricky Gervais cracks me up."


I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday earlier.
"Bloody hell Dave, I've dropped enough hints the past few weeks" she snapped, "Something small that's rectangular, portable, and that will give me access to all the latest books, is that clear enough?"
"Ah, right" I replied, as she left for work.
"A Library card it is."

Adam was the world's first butcher.
He was always chasing Eve with his meat waggin.

Eve was the first carpenter.
She made Adam's banana stand

A women's best friends are her legs, but even best friends must part.

There was a nurse who liked boating so much that she spent most of her time going down on the docs.

"Everything's neat and tidy in there," said the gynaecologist after his examination. "So it should be" said the lesbian. "I have a woman in twice a week."

A new slave had just joined the oarsman on a Phoenician warship, when after a couple of miles out to sea, one of the rowers collapsed and died over his oar, through exhaustion. The dead slave was duly released from his chains and thrown overboard.

The Slave Master strode up and down the aisle, seperating the rowers, and began lashing them viciously. When he had finished, all the slaves laid on their backs and pissed in the air.

"What's going on?" asked the new slave.

"It's an old Phoenician tradition" came the reply. "Everytime someone dies, there's a quick whip around and a piss-up."

My missus is trying to encourage couples to try doggy style sex more often.
I'm behind her all the way...


My missus and I view sex differently.
For instance, I view it on the Internet....


The results of a survey out today say 63% of people say manners aren't as good as they used to be.
The other 37% told the researcher to fuck off....


I'm surprised they have picked another women in Bonnie Tyler to represent us at Eurovision.
Where have all the good men gone?

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.


She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.


He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"


He replied, "It's the plumber."


He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"


He said, "It's the plumber!"


He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"


He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Why do so many brides get crows feet as soon as they're married?
From squinting and saying, "Suck what?"

What does it take to circumcise a whale?
Foreskin divers.

Why is a joke like pussy?
Neither's any good if you don't get it.

"Doctor, what's the best thing to take when you are run down?"
"The registration number of the bastard that hit you."

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."


I just watched Pawn Stars for the first time, I have to say I was very disappointed.
It had nothing to do with chess!!!


Just rang my local newspaper to ask how much it costs to place an advert in the classified column.
She said, 'it works out at £2 an inch'.
I said, 'fuck me, I've got 300 feet of scalextric to sell'.

A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskies. He lines them up in a row and knocks back the first, third, and fifth glasses. Then he gets up to leave.

"Don't you want the others?" asks the barman. "You've only had three of your whiskies."

"Best not" replies the man. "My doctor said it was only ok to have the odd drink."

"How dare you break wind before my wife", says the host to his dinner guest. "I'm sorry" replies the guest. " I didn't realise it was her turn."

A woman goes to the reception desk of a hotel. The porter appears and she says, "Can you check me out please?". He looks her up and down and says, "Sure baby. You're not bad. Not bad at all..."


A man is walking down the road with a computer under one arm, a swivel chair under the other, and a desk strapped to his back. A policeman stops him and says: "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office sir."

Two old soldiers Harry and Tom are sitting in their club. Harry turns to Tom and says: "When was the last time you made love to a woman?"
Tom ponders for a moment and replies, "1947"
"Good grief" says Harry, "That's a very long time ago."
"Not really" says Tom. "It's only five past eight now."