Jokes

I bought some of those sausages from Sainbsbury's the other day with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.
Laughed my cock off when I read on the back, "Prick with a fork".

I met this girl at a pub last night, we hit it off and she invited me back to hers for a night of shagging. She asked me if I was into anything kinky, and I said yes. So she slipped into a spandex catsuit with nipple-tassles, got her whip out of the cupboard, and stuck a lubricated vibrator up her arse. Finally, she got me to handcuff her to the bed.

Lustfully, and full of alcohol, she looked up to me and said, "Okay, now fuck me!"

So I left. No need for that kind of language.

Every married man keeps wondering every evening:

Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or....Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at....

My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.

I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, "Who's your Daddy?"

He replied, "Mum says it was probably the milkman."

The little bastard.

NEWSFLASH

Truck full of condoms crashes on the M25 and spills load.

ive been seeing this girl who lives across the road from me.
but now she closes the curtains

I was booked on a safe sex course last week.

I pulled out in the end.

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my Stella.

Reasons why a beer is better than a woman...

You can enjoy a beer all month.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
When beer goes flat you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
HANGOVERS go away.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
Beer never has a headache.
After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth something.
A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
beer doesn't demand equality.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
You can have a beer in public.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
Beer always comes in multiples of six.
Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than
dumping the empty bottle.
When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
Beer doesn't get cramps.
Beer doesn't have a mother.
Beer doesn't have morals.
When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
Beer doesn't get cramps.
Beer doesn't have a mother.
Beer doesn't have morals.
Beer always listens and never argues.
Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
Beer doesn't need much closet space.
Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
Beer never changes its mind.
Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
Beer never asks you to change the channel.
Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
Beer is always easy to pick up.
Beer NEVER says no.
Beer is easy to get into.
Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
Beer doesn't wear a bra.
Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
Beer doesn't mind football season.
A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
Beer tastes *good*.
If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then
decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
corner store.
A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Razzle
"just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't
accuse you of it).
A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that
tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer
doesn't make you ill.

for years,men and woman have argued about what is more painful.being kicked in the balls or giving birth.heres the answer,a year after having a baby a woman will turn to her man and say"lets have another baby"but i challenge you to find a man who will say to someone whos just kicked him in the nuts."that was fun,why dont you kick me in the bollocks again"