4evadionne
You can't beat a laugh!
Posts: 12,876
Joined: Jul 2012
Reputation: 137
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RE: Jokes
A couple had been married only two weeks. The husband although very much in love, was chomping at the bit to go out on the town with his drinking buddies.
"Honey" he said. "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going Coochy Coo?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to the pub Pretty Face for a beer"
"You want a beer, my love?" She opens the fridge door and shows him a well stocked fridge of beers from around the world.
The husband is thrown off stride, and all he can think to say is:
"Yes Honey Pie, but the pub. you know... ice cold glass..."
He hasn't finished the sentence before his wife butts in by saying:
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug from the fridge that is so cold that it burns his fingers.
"Yes, Peachy" he replies desperately, but at the pub they have trays of fantastic delicious nibbles.... I wont be long, I promise. Okay?"
"You want nibbles eh, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the freezer and shows him chicken wings, pigs in blankets, the works.
"But Sweetie, Honey...at the pub... you know... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here....DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F**KING MUG AND EAT YOUR F**KING NIBBLES, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE!!"
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20-03-2013 12:19 |
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bytor
Posting Machine
Posts: 3,680
Joined: Feb 2009
Reputation: 55
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RE: Jokes
A man is sat at a bar staring at his drink. A 6'8 thug walks up to the man, picks up his drink, downs it in one and growls, " ha loser, nice drink"
The man seeing his drink disappear suddenly bursts into tears
"Whoa", says the thug," All I did was take your drink, no need to cry like that"
Drying his eyes the man says, "Today has been the worst day of my life. I fucked up at work and got fired, I went to get my car only to find it had been stolen, I took a taxi home but left my wallet in it. I walked into the house to find my wife in bed with the neighbour and then to cap it all as I was storming out of the house my dog bit me on my dick. It was at that point that I decided to end it all, so I came in here and popped a capsule. I was watching the poison dissolve in the drink when along you came.....anyway enough about me....how's your day been?
(This post was last modified: 20-03-2013 18:19 by bytor.)
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20-03-2013 18:18 |
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4evadionne
You can't beat a laugh!
Posts: 12,876
Joined: Jul 2012
Reputation: 137
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RE: Jokes
Pete's divorce left him lonely and horny, and after three years away from the dating scene, and having treatment for depression, he was feeling nervous about starting afresh again, but with his doctor's encouragement he began dating again on a regular basis.
One Saturday night, the doctor's phone rang.
"I'm sorry to bother you at home" said Pete rather agitated. "but I just had to have your advice right away. I've met this terrific woman, we get along great, I really think she could be the one for me, everything's going great -"
"So?" interrupted the doctor, rather peeved at being disturbed.
"There's one little problem" Pete explained. I really want to take her home with me, but I can't remember from our first date whether she said she had VD or TB. What should I do?"
The doctor pondered for a moment, then advised, "If she coughs f**k her."
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20-03-2013 20:54 |
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4evadionne
You can't beat a laugh!
Posts: 12,876
Joined: Jul 2012
Reputation: 137
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RE: Jokes
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign reading:
IF YOU CAN MAKE THE OWNER'S HORSE LAUGH, YOU GET $1,000.
The guy goes up to the owner and accepts the deal, he goes through the back to the horse, then after about a minute comes back in the bar, leaving the horse doubled up with laughter.
"Well done" the owner says, "here's your $I,000"
A few months later the same sort of deal is posted in the bar, only this time the guy sees that you have to make the horse cry.
The guy goes to the owner and once again accepts the challenge.
He goes through the back, comes back in the bar after a minute leaving the horse bawling like a baby.
The irritated owner says: "Goddamnit! How did you do it?"
The guy replies, "The first time I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him. The second time I actually showed him!"
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21-03-2013 09:22 |
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