Jokes

Where do the England cricketers stay when they go to South Africa?
Their parents house of course!!

its 31st march and a blind kid is going to bed,his mum says"if you pray hard enough,when you wake up you,ll be able to see"so the kid prays the hardest he,s ever prayed,in the morning he rubs his eyes but still cant see anything,then his mum runs in and screams"april fools"

whats the difference between bill clinton and the titanic?
its known how many people went down on the titanic

A young child has been blind all his life. One day his mother comes home with a bag in her hand, hearing the rustle of the bag, he enquire as to whats in it. His mother tells him its a new fool proof cream that, when rubbed into the eyes every night for two weeks, restores sight.

Excited, the child applies the cream that night before bed with the help of his mother. They then apply bandages, she kisses him on the forhead and says goodnight. They repeat this process every night for two weeks, until the moment of truth.

On the final night the child says to his mother that he cant wait to see her face for the first time. In the morning he gets up and goes downstairs. His mother leads him into the kitchen where all the family are gathered around eagerly. Slowly she unwinds the bandages until finaly they fall to the floor. The child opens his eyes and a look of horror adorns his face. I can't see!!

I know, says his mother, April Fools!

I think Pamela Andersons mum knew her daughter was going to be a dirty bitch,

An anagram of her name is spared me no anal.

Police were called into the local branch of Pizza Hut when the body of a member of staff was found covered in onions, mushrooms, cheese and ham.
A police spokesmen issued a statement saying that they believed there was a strong possibility he may have topped himself.

At home with the new girlfriend I used to ask her to pass me food by saying things such as "milk me", meaning 'could you pass me the milk please?', or "salt me" meaning 'would you be so kind as to pass me the salt?', I thought she had got the hang of it, but apparently she doesn't learn that quickly.
We are never buying Chocolate Fingers again.

My wife was convinced she could overcome her gambling addiction.

I bet her £10 she wouldn't last one minute.

She accepted, silly bitch, hand over the money.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.


' You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'

The Old Flame


I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

we lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"





So I told her to fuck off!