Jokes

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car.

An Englishman, Scotishman and Irishman come across a magic slide. Whatever someone shouts whilst going down the slide is what they land in. The Englishman goes first and shouts "Money!" whilst going down the slide and lands on a pile of money. The Scotishman man shouts "Women!" and lands in a group of women. The Irishman goes down the slide and shouts "Weeeeeeeee!"

A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?"

"Okay," the four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops."

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs, crying his eyes out.

She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!"

THE SEVEN DWARFS OF MENOPAUSE

1. Itchy
2. Bitchy
3. Sweaty
4. Sleepy
5. Bloated
6. Forgetful
7. & Psycho

A man walks into his lounge with a sheep on a lead and says' see this
pig? when you are not around I sometimes fuck it'
the wife responds 'as well as being disgusting you are blind and stupid that is not a pig that is a sheep darling'
to which the man replies 'I was talking to the sheep!'

what is the definition of brave?

A man that goes out on the piss on saturday night, comes home smelling of alcohol and curry, wakes up his other half and says come on fatty your next

its true what they say about fruit being good for constipation,i got my phone bill from orange this morning and shit myself

an amish boy and his father are in a shopping centre when they come across a lift,having never seen one before,they both stand and watch in amazement as a fat old lady gets in.they continue to watch as the small circular numbers on the wall light up sequentially.they are still watching when it gets to the last number,then watch as they start to light up in reverse order.the lift door opens up again and a tall gorgeous blonde steps out.the father turns to his son and whispers quietly"son,go and get your mother"

my new girlfriend broke down in tears last night and confided in me that she had been adopted at birth,she cried and said she hurt really bad at the thought that her parents never wanted her,as she lay there in my arms,i kissed her forehead and told her i was there for her,she kissed me back and said lets make love,in hindsight,shouting"whos your daddy?" halfway through may have been a little insensetive.

Definition of a bastard

A Guy who shags a woman with his 2 inch cock and then kisses her goodbye with his 10 inch tongue!