Jokes

Two men were out fishing, when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter, he replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter, surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure, says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other, as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head then the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

A politician dies and goes to heaven. He arrives at the Pearly Gates, St Peter takes one look at him and says: "Sorry, no politicians are allowed in heaven."

The politician pleads that he's a good bloke who's done lots of good work for charity. "Oh yeah? Like what for example?" asks St Peter.

"Why, just last week I gave £20 to Children In Need, £30 to Help The Aged, and £50 to Comic Relief."

St Peter ponders for minute then says, "Wait here."
He goes inside for a while, then comes back. "Sorry mate, I've had a word with God. He says: "Here's your £100 back, now f**k off."

Q: How is a casino like a woman? A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!


A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?" "Well, dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."


A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

Archaeologists have discovered an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate. They believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.

10 hikers killed in a landslide in the Himalayas.
Now be honest you didn't expect Everest to be doing that today did you?

An old lady in the park said to me today: "I see your dogs fetching balls". I replied: "I know he has, but at your age you really shouldn't be looking."

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

A businesswoman led such a hectic life that she decided to ease the burden by making a clone of herself. The clone was a perfect replica except for the fact that it swore a lot.

No matter what the woman did, she couldn't stop it swearing. In the end she was losing so much business because of her clones foul mouth that she decided to put a stop to it by pushing the clone off the top of a tall building.

She was subsequently charged with making an obscene clone fall.

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house, he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat."


A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Two Italian virgins were on the first night of their honeymoon. They had no idea what they were supposed to do, so he called his mother for help.

"Just cuddle up to each other" advised his Mama, and let nature take it's course." They cuddled up on the bed, but nothing happened, so a few minutes later he phoned his Mama again.

"Get into bed" she said. "Kiss each other and see where it leads."
So they got into bed and kissed, but still nothing happened. So he phoned his Mama for a third time.

Frustrated, Mama replied: "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in the hairiest thing she has" and she slammed the phone down.

Ten minutes later her son called back and said hesitantly:
"Right, I have my nose in her armpit. Now what do I do?"

An American was driving his Cadillac through Mexico and pulled into a station for gas. A Mexican boy was sitting on a fruit crate peeling an apple and showed no sign of movement.

Becoming Impatient at the lack of service, the American yelled:
"Hey, how about pumping me some motherf**king gas?"
The boy replied: "Senor, we don't like that word "mothef**ker" in this country" and continued peeling his apple.

The angry American yelled: "Boy, I want some motherf**king gas! Do you hear me?
The boy said: "I told you already Senor, we don't like the word motherf**ker in this country" and continued peeling his apple.

"Are you gonna pump me some motherf**king gas, or am I gonna have to do it myself." said the irate American.
The boy stood up and said: "Senor, let me show you something. He tossed the apple into the air and with his sharp knife, cut it into sixteen slices in mid-air.

The American said: "You got another motherf**king apple?"
The boy tossed him an apple, whereupon the American pulled out his .45 and made apple sauce out of it.

The boy thought for a moment and said: "How many motherf**king gallons do you think she'll hold senor?"