Jokes

Two rednecks with the US army Ezra and Jake, were promoted from privates to sergeants. As they were strolling around the army base, Ezra said: "Let's go into the Officer's Club."
"But we're privates" said Jake. Ezra pointed to his stripes and reminded him: "We're sergeants now."

Once inside the club, Ezra said: "I'm gunna get myself a drink."
"But we're privates said Jake. "Are you blind?" said Ezra, we're sergeants now." So they had a drink, and after a while a hooker sidled up to Ezra. "You're kinda cute" she purred, "and I'd love to show you a good time, but I've got a bad case of Gonorrhoea.

Puzzled, Ezra whispered to Jake: " Go look up that word in the dictionary. If it's ok come back and give me the thumbs up." Jake went back to his hut, looked up gonorrhoea, and returned to the club and gave Jake the thumbs up?"

Three weeks later, Ezra was lying in the army hospital with a terrible case of Gonorrhoea. When Jake came to visit Ezra stormed: "Luke why did you give me the thumbs up ?"
"Well" replied Jake. In the dictionary it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates". He pointed to his stripes and said: " But we're sergeants now!"

Three Italian mothers were at an American football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy seized his opportunity, he grabbed the ball, danced round the opposing players and sprinted through to make a touchdown.

His proud mother leapt in the air with joy."Thatsa my boy! I raised him onnna da pet milk. Ain't he a peach?"

The second boy then received the ball, and produced a spectacular surge straight down the field, to score another touchdown. Not to be outdone, his mother jumped from her seat, shouting with delight:
"Thatsa my boy! I raised him onna da breast milk." Ain't he wonderful?"

The third boy had failed to shine, but finally someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered it, ran in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, retrieved it, and finally crossed the goal line at the wrong end of the field. His mother rose from her seat and shouted:
"Thatsa my boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he the shits?"

I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked confused.
"They're pictures of my wife," I replied. "They're just too painful to look at."
"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologised. "I never knew, how did it happen if you don't mind me asking?"
"Both of her parents were ugly," I replied....


A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing...

A young woman wanted to get rich quick, so she set her sights on a seventy-six year old sugar daddy, whom she planned to screw to death on their wedding night.

Despite the age gap, the wedding and reception went off smoothly and then they left for a romantic honeymoom in the Maldives. While he got ready in the hotel bathroom, she stripped off ready to put her evil plan into practice. Then to her amazement he emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but a condom over his 12" erection, and ear plugs and nose plugs.

"What's going on?" she asked.
Rubbing his hands in anticipation, he replied: "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber!"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage.


Q: There's a 4-sided building. On one side is a smart blonde; on one side is Bill Gates; on one side is the Easter Bunny; and on one side is the Boogieman. There is a maze to get in the middle, where there is a lot of money. Who will get to the middle first? A: Bill Gates. The rest don't exist!


Two blondes are hanging siding on a house, one is on the ground cutting the pieces and handing them up to the other who nails them in. The blonde on the ladder throws every second or third nail away, which falls and hits the blonde on the ground on the head. The blond on the ground asks the top blonde "why are you throwing those nails away?" She explains that the tossed nails are defective. "What do you mean they are defective?" The blonde explains that when she takes them out of the pouch if the are pointed towards the house she pounds them in, If they point away from the house they must be defective. The blonde on the ground shouts "You idiot, They are not defective, They are for the other side of the house.

Which Cluedo character always needs a shit? Colonel Must-Turd

My morning routine is a bit like a nursery rhyme.
Hump....Tea....Dump....Tea.

Since getting my new Kindle, I have absolutely no idea how to judge a book.

Why are hippies like bears?
They both hug, eat honey and shit in the woods.

The old man had died. A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.


It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"

A gay guy died and went to heaven. St Peter was waiting for him at the Pearly Gates. After reviewing his records, St Peter let him in and said: "Follow me."

As they walked through heaven, St Peter accidently dropped his keys. He bent over to pick them up, but the sight proved too much for the gay guy, who leapt on St Peter and began shafting him feverishsly. St Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell" he warned.

They continued walking, and St Peter once again dropped his keys. Despite his warning, the gay guy once again jumped on him once more and began pumping away at St Peter with passion. "This is your last warning" said a fuming St Peter. "Hell beckons For You"

Nearing their journeys end. St Peter clumsily dropped his keys for a third time. Having no self control, the gay guy was on St Peter like a flash and began ravishing him with fury once again. "That's it! Good riddance. Off to Hell you go!" said a livid St Peter.

A few weeks later, St Peter visited Hell for a routine inspection, but to his amazement, Hell was freezing, there was no fire, no lava, and in a corner, he found the Devil lying shivering under a pile of blankets. "What's going on, why is it so cold down here?" asked St Peter. The Devil replied: "Well you just try bending down for firewood!"

A top Business Executive was out in the country, when his car broke down. With darkness fast approaching, he went to a nearby farm and asked the farmer if he could stay for the night.

The farmer found a spare room for him, but in the middle of the night he became so thirsty that he decided he fancied a glass of fresh milk, so he ventured out to the barn to milk a cow.

Soon the farmer heard noises and went to investigate. He saw his guest coming from the barn, soaking wet with white liquid dripping down his face. "What happened?" asked the farmer.

"I got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was that dark in there, I don't know how I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk!. I must have drunk a gallon of it!"

The farmer replied: But I don't have a cow. I just have a bull!"