Jokes

Two little boys stole a big bag of orange from their neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally, one of them suggested the near by cemetery.

As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minuets later a drunkard on his way from a bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for u. One for me, one for u.” he immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the church near by for a priest.

“Father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for u, one for me, one for u…”

Suddenly the voice stopped counting and says: “What about the two at the gate?”

Omg come see the marathon, the priest almost run pass the gate, shouting we are not dead yet…!

Two Englishmen - Dave and Bob - were begging on the streets of Glasgow. Dave collected so little money that he was forced to live rough under a railway bridge, but Bob earned enough to drive a Mercedes and live in a small apartment in the wealthiest suburb of the city.

After a while, Dave began to wonder what he was doing wrong. So he asked Bob, "How come you make so much money from begging and I don't? I work just as long hours as you but at the end of the day your collection box is always overflowing with £10 motes. All I ever get is a few measly coins."

"Look at your sign" said Bob. "What does it say? No job, no home." No wonder you don't get any £10 notes"
"So what does your sign say?" asked Dave.
"I only need £10 to move back to England,"

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"


Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

A blokes wife comes downstairs sporting a bright orange fake tan.
"Wow!" he says. "You look just like David Dickinson."
She laughed "What a shimmering bronze Adonis?"
"No, Cheap as bloody Chips" he replied.

Superman is taking a midnight stroll past a church, when a priest runs down the steps. "Superman, can you help me move some old coffins up from the cellar?" "Are you crazy" shouts Superman. "I can't go in the Krypt tonight!"

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."


A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and asks, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

A man playing golf finds a corked bottle on the green. He opens it and a genie appears and grants him one wish. Pondering for a while, he says. "I'd like to shoot par golf regularly."

"No problem", says the genie, "but you have to understand that your sex life will be reduced as a side effect." "Fine by me" says the man. And with that the deed was done.

A few months later the genie reappears to man on the same golf hole and asks him how his game is doing. "Great" says the man, "I'm now carrying a scratch handicap. "And what effect has it had on your sex life" asks the genie.

"I can still manage to have relations two or three times a month."
"Two or three times a month!" the genie says. "That's not much of a sex life." "Well" the man replies: "I don't think it's too bad for a middle-aged priest with a very small parish. "

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"


I was driving along the road today when I noticed a sign saying New Nude Car Wash Now Open, so I drove in and paid ten quid for a soapy wash.
I sat open mouthed as my windscreen was cleaned by a massive pair of balls....


The electricity company called me and said, 'The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low.'
I said, 'Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit.'
'Sir, you can't do that!' they said.
I replied, 'Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you cunts.'

A boss calls one of his staff into his office to have a word.
"You're an hour late Alan, and you're covered in crunchy nut corn flakes, what the hell happened?"
"Sorry boss" he replies. "I overlaid and was ludicrously hasty."

I was in a restaurant and I heard a voice say: "Can I take your order sir?". I looked down and saw this man with no shoulders, no torso, no arms and no legs. "You must be the head waiter" I said.

If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else.