Jokes

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."


I always carry a Picture of my Wife and Kids in my Wallet.
It reminds me of why There is no Fucking Money in there...


A new police operation has arrested David Cameron, Gordon Ramsay, Liam Gallagher, Simon Cowell and Noel Edmonds... they have named it 'Operation Yewcunt'....

A boy sitting across a girl in the middle front row of a classroom, leans over to her.
“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.


Teacher and her 3 boy students:

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round
Boy: Damn, you want the whole roll?


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

Miss Beatrice, a church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor called round and she invited him in to her quaint sitting room. While she was making some tea, the pastor was admiring her old style pump organ, when he noticed a glass bowl on top of it, filled with water, and floating in the water was a condom!.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began chatting. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl but it got the better of him. "Miss Beatrice" he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" he said pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that would prevent the spread of diseases. Do you know I haven't had flu all winter?"

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"


Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"


I went to see a house earlier with period features.
My wife hates it when I call her that...

A Texan went to clothes store in New York to get a new city outfit. He walked into the men's department where a beautiful young girl was serving. "Excuse me, miss" he announced, "I'm from Texas and I want a complete outfit of new clothes, right from the tip of my hat to the soles of my shoes."

"Certainly sir" replied the girl. "We'll start from the top. What size hat are you?" "Eight and five-eighths" he replied. The girl looked astonished: "That's really big" "I know honey, they grow them big in Texas."

Writing down the measurements, she then asked "what size shirt do you wear?" "Extra extra large he replied, "with a 21" collar. "That's certainly big" replied the girl. "Like I say miss they grow them big in Texas.

"What about your pants?" she enquired "A 52" waist and a 40" inside leg. They grow them big in Texas." And finally your shoe size.
"Size 19" he answered, Wide fitting, they grow them big in Texas,

The girl began to blush. "I hope you don't mind, she asked hesitantly, "but I really have to ask how big is your..." The Texan anticipated her question,

" I know what you're going to say, and the answer is 4 inches."
The girl was shocked..
"Four inches! my boyfriend's bigger than that!"
"That's from the ground miss" said the Texan.

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."



A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."


George Michael has been injured in a car accident on the M1.
According to Michael's statement, he was driving along normally and then all of a sudden: WHAM!!!!


So George Michael has been involved in an accident in the M1.
To be fair, it's not the first time he's been smashed in the rear end...


George Michael has just had a car accident on the M1..
Obviously eating a careless Wispa whilst driving......

It's taken over thirty years, but at long last a cold-case team finally arrested and charged Video for the murder of the Radio Star.

Wife: "I'm sick of your obsession with Oasis, it's gone too far!"
Hubby: "Maybeee...."

Passed a guy on my way to work today who was singing "Do...Re...Mi". I thought he'll go far.

What does BJork do when she's feeling horny?
She watches Pjorn.

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth...


At lunch time a nun announces:
- Sisters, today we have bananas for dessert.
All the nuns go: Yeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy.
- Sliced!
OOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


'Pardew rules out move for Rooney'.
In other news, I've just ruled myself out of a move for Mila Kunis...

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”


One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.

She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.

After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?”

The cop asked, “why?”

She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!”

The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!”


A boy of ten was sipping his favorite strawberry soda at McDonalds when his pal strolled in. The boy looked up from the drink and said, “Thought you were over at Jenny’s house.”

“I’m through with girls,” the other said, “after all, they’re a dime a dozen.”

“You mean it?” – the boy again halted his sipping. “A dime a dozen? Gee whiz. And all this time, I’ve been spending my money on sodas.”