Jokes

Having not attended church for many years, a man sought to atone for his sins by going to confession. He pulled aside the curtain on the confessional box, entered and sat down.

He was amazed to find a fully equipped bar, with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and pictures of young buxom women adorning the wall.

He heard a priest come in. "Forgive me, Father" said the man, "but it's been a long time since I last went to confession and I must admit the confessional box is a lot more inviting than it used to be."
"Get out you bloody idiot" said the priest. "You're on my side!"

An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"


A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"


I was standing in the gym when a somebody asked me to spot them.
"Sure," I said.
"You're standing right there."


Breaking News: Over 100 dogs helped to escape from Battersea Dogs' Home.
Police say they have a number of leads to follow....

Did you hear about the cartoonist who was found dead in his home?
Details are sketchy.

I was playing Scrabble with my brother when he spelt the word "stneve" I was surprised at the unexpected turn of events.

In Golf Terms:

What's an Adolf Hitler?
Two shots in the bunker.

What sort of putt is a Rock Hudson?
One that looked straight, but wasn't.

What sort of putt is a gynaecologists assistant?
One that just shaves the hole.

What sort of putt is a Salman Rushdie?
An impossible read.

What sort of shot is a Douglas Bader?
One that looked good in the air but didn't have the legs.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!



nun in the bath, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" she asks. "It's the blind man." "Come in," she says. "Nice tits," he says, "where do you want the blind?"

Two boys were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.

Between gasps for air, one managed to say, “We better give up…’cause we’ll never get this table into the house.”

“Into the house?” screamed the other. “I thought we were moving it out of the house!”


A mathematician gives a talk intended for a general audience. The talk is announced in the local newspaper, but he expects few people to show up because nobody who is not a mathematician will be able to make any sense of the title: Convex sets and inequalities.

To his surprise, the auditorium is crammed when his talk begins. After he has finished, someone in the audience raises his hand.

“But you said nothing about the actual topic of your talk!”

“What topic to you mean?”

“Well, the one that was announced in the paper: Convicts, sex, and inequality.”

A racehorse walks into a bar with two men. The bartender tells the horse: "You can't come in here, not with those trainers."


A guy went into a bar and ordered a double bourbon. He downed it, reached into his pocket and pulled out a photo. After staring at the picture for a few moments, he put it away and ordered another double. He finished that drink, pulled out the photo again, looked at it, put it back and again ordered another double.

He repeated this procedure for the next hour. Finally the bartender's curiosity got the better of him. "Excuse me" he said, but after every drink, why do you keep taking out that picture and staring at it?"
"It's a picture of my wife" explained the guy, and when she starts to look good, I'm going home."

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$200″ – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

So I walked into this shop as the sign on the door said Open.
Now I can't leave because the sign says Closed.

I see reincarnation is making a comeback.

My driving instructor says never brake if there's an animal in the road.
You should have seen the look on the cops face as I knocked him off his horse.

I just had a look at the statistcs on female obesity....awful figures

An 85 year old man is having his annual check-up. He boasted to the doctor: "I've got an 21 year old bride who is pregnant with my child, how about that eh, doc?"

The doctor pondered for a moment and said:
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a man who was a keen hunter, but one day he left home in a dash and accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. Later that day, he came face to face with a huge grizzly bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And guess what, the bear dropped dead."

"That's impossible" said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at" said the doctor.

Men's Mastercard Commercial

Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: ***PRICELESS****


So David Beckham's career is over but, on the bright side, at least now he has something in common with the wife...


BBC News:
"Fire service needs transforming, says government review"
Alrighty! Looks like we're getting Optimus Prime!!!!