Jokes

A man is lying naked on the bed after his shower, listening to his wife really slagging off one of their friends. He says, "You know, you really do have a big gob" His wife looks down at his cock and replies:
"It's just a pity it doesn't get used to it's full potential."

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."


If I had a rooster and you had a donkey, and my rooster got his foot stuck in your donkeys butt, what would you have? Two feet of my c*ck in your ass.

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together!!!"


A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."


I was in a bar last night when a hot blonde walked over, and whispered in my ear something about a one night stand and did I want one?
But I kindly declined her offer as i already have a nice bedside table...

A farmer had ten employees on his farm, and all were absolutely lazy.
One morning, he decided to try and cure them of their idleness once and for all. "Men" he said, I have a nice easy job for the laziest man on the farm. Will the laziest man step forward?"
Immediately nine of them stepped forward. The farmer looked at the one man left behind and said: "Why didn't you step forward along with the others?"
"Too much trouble" he replied.


A drunk was taking a pee in a park fountain. A police officer spotted him and shouted. "Hey, there's a public toilet just fifty yards from here!" The drunk replies: "What do you think I've got - a hose?"

Who's the biggest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 50 pence that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A Native American Indian paid his first ever-visit to the big city to visit his distant cousin. It took him a while to get accustomed to his new surroundings and to the city way of life. For instance he had never seen a railroad train before, and while standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a loud whistle, and the onrushing train gave him a glancing blow, knocking him the air.

Luckily he escaped with a few cracked ribs and severe bruising. After spending two weeks in hospital, he was recovering at his cousins house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the closet and battered the kettle to pieces.

Hearing the commotion, his cousin dashed into the kitchen and yelled: "What the hell!, why have you ruined a perfectly good kettle?"
"You have to kill these things while they're small." he replied.

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."


A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die" she replied...

Its that time of the month again when my wife is so miserable. Can't go anywhere near her. She should be OK by next week though...
I get paid.

I see they have discovered a cure to insomnia....sleep

A reverend decided it was time to tell his triplet daughters about the birds and the bees, at the same time testing their innocence. He approached his first daughter, dropped his trousers and pants pointed to his member and said: "Do you know what this is?"
"That's your cock" she replied.
"You foul mouthed hussy. Go rinse your mouth out with soap" he ranted.

Fuming, her approached his second daughter, dropped his trousers and pants, pointed to his member and asked if she knew what it was. "That's your dick!" she said.
"Be gone you daughter of Jezebel. You scarlet woman. Go stick your tongue in boiling vinegar."

Finally he approached his third daughter, dropped his trousers and pants, pointed to his member and asked if she knew what it was.
"I have no idea" she replied. "Oh my darling, just as I was losing hope, I have one Chaste daughter at least. That my love is a penis."
To which she replied: "You call that a penis?"