Jokes

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

An elderly husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years. The hitman says: "I'll shoot her just below her left tit."
The husband replies: "I want her dead, not bloody kneecapped.

Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One says to the other:
"How do you like that? Pay toilets!"

Gareth Gates got stopped for drink driving last night. The police say he'll probably be sent to prison, but is unlikely to finish his sentence.

An Elephant asks a Camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well" replied the Camel, "I think that's quite an inappropriate question from someone whose dick in on his face."

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."



On Monday I said to my boss, "I have a dentist's appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?"
"No problem," he said.
On Friday he pulled me up and said, "What's this? You've put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o'clock on Monday."
I replied, "I know, I told you I'd make the time up."



I was stopped by a Korean prostitute in the park last night.
She smiled and said, "I'll eat you for breakfast, you handsome thing."
I still don't know whether she was talking to me or my dog....

What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!

How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.


I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.


There are some girls that like to do something called "homie hopping" and homie hopping is basically a girl dates a guy and then she ends up trying to get with his friends, and then she gets with someone new, then jumps to his other friends, and so on. Guys have this and it's called "testing the waters".

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."



A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"



BREAKING NEWS: Several Nuns stop using Club Cards to prevent Tesco from knowing they're buying habits....

A woman goes too her gynaecologist complaining of a pain in her aviaries. "Don't you mean ovaries? the doctor said.
"No" she replies. "We had better have a look", says the doc. After a minute of peering he says: "You're right. It looks like there's been a cockatoo up there."

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear: "Give us a kiss luv!"
"No" replied the nurse.
"Oh, go on!" said the man.
"No" replied the nurse again.
"Please! begged the old man. Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
"For the last time no!" said the nurse. "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"

What does a rooster and a hooker have in common in the morning? A rooster goes, "Cockadoododoo!" and a hooker goes, "Any c*ck will do!"


A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is. The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"


A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"



I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."
"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"
"Do you want a hand job?"
She's a keeper....

Three nuns passed through a street, every day that led them from the church to the convent. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the parrot would pronounce three sequential colours.

One day, as they passed they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned this to the other two nuns, who both were reluctant to believe it possible.

They all agreed to wear black underwear the next day, to try and satisfy their curiosity about the parrot. As they walked past, the parrot squawked: "Black, black, black.

The nuns were amazed, and decided that to really test the parrot's limits, they shouldn't wear any underwear under their vestments the next day.

The next day as they approached the house, they saw that the parrot was looking slightly puzzled and a bit agitated. As they passed the gate the parrot regained it's composure and squawked:
"Straight, straight, curly!"

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"