Jokes

Why is a degree like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and it's worthless the next day.

Nearing the end of an operation, the patient suddenly wakes up and demands the right to close his incision. Reluctantly the surgeon hands him the needle and says: "Suture self."

What happened when a young man was caught having sex with a girl in a train carriage?
He was arrested for having a first-class ride with a second-class ticket

A half-man, half-bull took a trip around Europe, but only went to three places. It was a minor tour.

A morgue assistant examining a newly delivered corpse finds a cork stuck up its bottom. Curious, the assistant pulls out the cork and he hears a song being sung, "My Mary-Lou gone left me, Mary-Lou's long gone..."

The amazed assistant plugs the cork up the bottom again and calls over the coroner to listen. He pulls out the cork, and once again the corpses bottom starts singing, "My Mary-Lou gone left me, Mary-Lou's long gone..."

"Don't you think that's incredible?" says the assistant.
"Nah" replies the coroner. "Any arsehole can sing country music."

How They Do It In Bed

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Mrs Noah is counting the animals on to the ark: "...two giraffes, two tigers, two moles, two shrews, twenty-six rabbits..."
"What do you mean twenty-six rabbits?" says Noah. "I told you to take in two of every animal." Mrs Noah replies: "That was yesterday."


A man goes into a high street shop and says to the assistant behind the counter: "And what do you sell in here then?"
The assistant looks quizzical at the man and says: "Meat"
"That's interesting! And what kind of meat do you sell?"
"Take a look at the display mate, There's beef, pork, lamb, chicken. all types"
"Wow. It must be great working here!"
"Just what the hell is your problem pal?" the assistant snapped.
"Sorry, It's just that a friend recommended that I patronize the local butchers!"

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” says the blonde, “I will go and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
“Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
“I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.”
“And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg.
“Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly.
“And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.

The King of Jordan visits London and is invited to dinner with the Queen. The servants bring out the first course and start dishing it out.
"No soup for me" says the King. "It makes me fart."
Silence falls over the room. Everyone looks horrified.
"What's the matter with you all?" asks the King, patting his belly.
"Don't you think I'm fart enough already?"

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided to spice up their sex life by buying a waterbed. It didn't work unfortunately as they started drifting apart.

An agent finds out that his top actress client has been moonlighting as an escort. Having long lusted after her, he asks if he can have sex with her later that night. She agrees but says, "You'll have to pay like everyone else."

The agent agrees and meets the actress at her house that evening. After turning out the lights, they have sex. The actress falls asleep, but is awoken ten minutes later, and the scene repeats itself. This goes on for the next few hours.Eventually the actress screams out:
"This is amazing! I never knew agents were so virile."
A voice from the dark replies: "Lady, I'm not your agent. He's at the door selling tickets."

Friend: Dude tomorrow is my girlfriend's birthday... what should i give her?
Me: Give her your dick
Friend: Idiot... I want something big for her..
Me: Give her my dick then


My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: What?
Student: What?

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was a slovenly housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the dirt and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and told his hostess so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over the minister carried the plates into the kitchen where the hostess opened the back door took out the plates and shouted to her dogs: "Here Soap, Here Water!"

A man was pulled over by the police because his car didn't have any hubcaps on his tyres. "What's the charge officer?" asked the man.
The cop replied: "Indecent exposure."
Indecent exposure! exclaimed the man.
"Yes" the cop replied. "You just can't ride around with your nuts showing!"

A man Walks into a bar, and all the customers pat him on the backside. "What sort of bar is this?" he yells. The bartender replies: "its a tapas bar.