Jokes

A well to do man was walking through Soho on a very windy day. As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above her head. The man said: " It's very airy today, isn't it?"
The young woman replied: "Yeah, what the hell did you expect? Feathers?"


A priest walking down the street, see a young boy approaching carrying a small bottle of acid. Afraid that the child might injure himself, the priest stops him and offers to trade a bottle of holy water for the dangerous fluid. "What will holy water do?" asked the boy.

"Well" replied the priest, "I rubbed this on a woman's tummy and she passed a baby." The boy replied: "That's nothing. I rubbed this on a cat's arse and it passed a motorbike."

My little sister is so smart! She’s only in nursery school and she can spell her name backwards and forwards.

Really? What’s her name?

Anna.


An employee went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats”.

A rooster was walking along a riverbank when he comes across a bag of cat food near the waters edge. Looking across the other side of the river he sees bag of chicken food, which looks mightily appealing to him, on the opposite bank with a cat sat next to it, staring hungrily at the cat food on the opposite bank.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster calls across to the cat and says: "If we each take a running jump at it we should both be able to make it to our chosen sides of the river."
"Ok, lets give it a try", the cat replied.

The rooster walked back about twenty feet, took a long run-up, soared into the air, frantically flapping his wings, and landed with inches to spare on the opposite riverbank, where he immediately began scoffing down the chicken feed with relish.

The cat, now really motivated walked back about twenty-five feet, took a long run up, leaped into the air, and SPLASH! he landed right in the middle of the river.

The moral of the story is: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"


A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

A guy picked up a woman in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking, he didn't say a word. Later as they undressed, she said: "You're not the communicative type, are you?"
"No" he replied, pulling his dick from his boxer shorts. "I do all my talking with this.". The women looked at it disappointedly and said:
"You really don't have much to say do you?"

Pete White and Curly Smith both work at a local factory. One day a young gorgeous woman joins the firm and is given the job of works supervisor. As Pete is the older of the two men and quite a slow worker, he's afraid that the new woman might cut down his overtime hours. Imagine his delight then, when he sees her shorten Curly's.

A man was sitting in a bar peering sadly into the bottom of his glass.
"What's up?" asks the bartender.
"It's my girlfriend. You see, we had sex last night but I only lasted just over a minute. As I rolled off her, she said: "I want you to finish me off." "And what's the problem" asked the bartender.
"I haven't yet decided what to do with the body."


What's the difference between PMS and BSE? - One attacks the poor cows brain and sends it mental. The other is an agricultural problem.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

A monastery was located right next to a convent, but the monks and the nuns were not allowed to mix or even to speak to each other.
Early one morning, a group of monks went to take a shower but after they had stripped off, they realized there was no soap.

Thinking that the nuns wouldn't be awake at this early hour, one of the monks bravely volunteered to nip next door to the convent and steal some soap from the nun's quarters. So, stark naked, he crept into the convent and quickly found some soap in the nuns washroom.

Just as he was about to leave the building, he heard three nuns approaching the front door. He decided his only course of action was to pose as a statue and hope the nuns were taken in by it.

As the nuns entered the convent, they immediately saw the naked "statue" up against the wall in the corridor. Giggling, they walked up and began to admire it.

"This must be the new figure that the Mother Superior was talking about" the first nun said. She then playfully tugged on his penis, forcing the monk to drop two bars of soap. "Oh look! It's a soap dispenser!" she exclaimed.

The second nun also pulled on the monks penis and the same thing happened. The third nun had her turn. She gave the penis an extra hard tug and shrieked: "My word! It dispenses hand cream as well!"