Jokes

I smashed open my piggy bank to see how much money I had in it. I had just enough to buy a new piggy bank.

So there I was in my boat when I heard a man shout 'help, shark, help'. I just laughed as I knew that shark was not going to help him

I remember 9 months before I was born I went to a party with my dad but left with my mum.

I scored as many goals as Torres at the last World Cup so how come no one has offered £50 million for me?

I once had a dream that came true. I dreamt I was awake and when I woke up I was.

A staunch Conservative man married a woman who came from a Labour supporting family. The reception was in full swing, with everyone having a grand time until the groom climbed onto a table and proposed a toast, "To the Conservative Party!"

Hearing this the wife's family stormed out, and she herself immediately stopped talking to her new husband.

Later that night, when they got to bed in the honeymoon suite of their hotel, he tried to instigate sex with her but she pretended to be asleep and didn't respond. After another two futile attempts, he gave up.

The wife then started to feel guilty and decided that perhaps she had been a little harsh on him. So in a tactical climbdown, she whispered: "Darling, there's a split in the Labour Party and if the Conservative candidate would like to stand, there's a good chance he'll get in."

The groom replied: "Too bloody late! The Conservative candidate has stood three times already but failed to get in, so he went independent and lost his deposit!"

An Irish cop in New York was called to a disturbance in the street.
A crowd had gathered to watch a young man who was threatening to jump from the roof of a twelve-storey building.

The cop yelled up to the man: "Don't jump think of your father!"
"I haven't got a father" the man shouted back. "I'm going to jump!"
"No, don't jump!" pleaded the cop. "Think of your mother!"
"I haven't got a mother either" said the man. I'm going to jump!"
"No, don't jump!" yelled the cop. "Think of your children!"
"I don't have any children. I'm going to jump!" said the man.
"No, please don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin!" the cop yelled.
"Who?" the man shouted.
The cop yelled: "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking the traffic!"

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said, ''Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix.''
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, ''I told you to watch out for the houses!'' Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.''
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, ''Come on in.''
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ''Are you the people that broke my window?''
''Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.'' the husband replied.
''No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.''
''OK, great!'' the husband said.
''I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.''
''No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?'' the genie said, looking at the wife.
''I want a house in every country of the world,'' she said.
''Consider it done.'' said the genie.
''And what's your wish, Genie?'' the husband said. ''Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.''
The husband looks at the wife and said, ''Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.''
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ''How old is your husband, anyway?''
''35'', she replied.
''And he still believes in genies. That's amazing!'''

A mans car slowed to a halt on a lonely country road.
"I guess" said his latest pretty date, "that you're going to pull the "old out of gas routine?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm going to pull the "here after routine"
"The "here after" routine. What's that?" she asked.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married?
Can't elope.

A man was alerted to the sound of the Bee Gees coming from his fridge. When he opened the door he found it was just chives talking.

Why do blondes have one more brain cell than cows?
So when you pull on a blonde's tit, she doesn't shit on the floor.

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.

He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.

The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.

The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."

The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."

The Colour Blind Association are holding a social night next week - they're going to paint the town grey.

Seeing a man with no feet, a guy walks over and kicks him.
"What did you do that for?" the man asked.
"Because I'm lack-toes intolerant" said the guy.

Having bought a new flat-screen TV, a young woman asked her brother how to change channels.
"I haven't the remotest idea", he said

When walking down the aisle there are three things on a woman's mind: "Aisle, Altar. Hymn!"

What's blue and sings alone?
Dan Aykroyd.

What did Samuel Morse say when he was invited to a party?
"I'll be there in a dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Husband: "That was great sex! I never knew you had it in you!"
Wife: "That's funny. Neither did I. But I guess size isn't everything."

A guy goes to the doctor's with a problem. "Doctor...I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA.

"I've never of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me? asks the doctor. "Sure" the guy says. He lifts his bum cheek off the seat and cracks one out, To his surprise the doctor hears the word" HONDA."

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists without success. Finally the doctor thinks he should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and began examining it.
"A-haa!!!...I have solved the problem. the dentist says.
"What is it? What is it?" Please tell me."
"Well sir, you have an abscess tooth."
"What has that got to do with my farts?"
"Can't you see?... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA