Jokes

They're remaking "Silence of the Lambs" for a Scottish audience.
It's being called "Shut Up Ewes Two.

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if would ever go down on one knee again - or, as she prefers to be known, Heather.

Went to a wife swapping party the other day. Got a 1982 Ford Escort and a half eaten curley wurley. Thought I did quite well out of it overall.

So this dyslexic man walks into a bra...

When Hugh Hefner dies will he really go to a better place?

Two old guys, aged 80 and 87 were sitting on their favourite park bench. The 87 year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year-old was amazed at his friends stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year-old said: "Well I eat rye bread every day. It's a well known fact that it keeps your energy levels high, and that it will give you great stamina with the ladies.

So on the way home, the 80 year-old stopped off at the bakery. The female clerk asked him if he needed assistance.

"Do you have any rye bread? he asked."
"Yes" she said. "There's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"Sure" I'd like five loaves.

"My goodness, five loaves" she exclaimed. "By the time you get to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied: "I can't believe it! Everybody knows about this stuff except me.!"

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

A woodpecker was pecking a hole in a tree. Suddenly the tree was hit by a huge flash of lightning that sent the tree crashing to the ground.
The woodpecker shaken and bemused for a moment said:
" Gee, I guess I just don't know my own strength!"


An undertaker arrives home sporting a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I've had a terrible day" he said. "I had to go to a hotel and collect a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't fit him in a body bag, because he had this huge erection. So I did what I always do - I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"

The undertaker replied: "Wrong room."

A middle-aged man who was bald bought a hairpiece in the hope that it would make him more attractive to women.

That night he went out in it to a singles bar, where he picked up a gorgeous young woman and took her back to his flat.

To get her in the mood, he switched off the lights but as they started fumbling passionately in the dark, he realized in horror that his toupee had fallen off.

He began groping frantically for it, hoping to put it back on his head before the young woman saw that he was really bald.

In the zeal of the search, he inadvertently ran his hands up the young woman's legs.

"Ooh! That's it!" she gasped in ecstasy.
"No it isn't" he replied, momentarily forgetting himself. "Mine's got a side parting."

A man has died at a chocolate factory after two 500kg crates of white confectionary toppled his fork lift truck and fell on him.
He tried in vain to help himself, but when he shouted "The milky bars are on me." everyone just cheered.

A man is in a dilemma: should he meet his new Scottish girlfriend or go see a play at the Globe Theatre?
It seems he's caught between a Jock and Bard place to me.


Leaving Hillary back home, Bill Clinton went on a fact-finding mission to Europe. As his private plane approached Heathrow, the captain made his usual customary announcement:
"Mr Clinton, would you please return the Stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

Why do West Ham fans plant potatoes round the edge of Upton Park ?
So they have Something to lift at the end of the season .

A rough looking ugly woman walks into Toys R Us with her bratty kids in tow. Straight away, they run riot, racing up and down the aisles, while she yells obscenities at them.

Finally after several complaints from other shoppers, the manager walks over to try and deal with the situation.

"Good morning Madam" he says. Welcome to our store. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

Wiping her nose on her sleeve, the woman coarsely replied:
"Course they're not twins. One's eight and the other's six. What the hell makes you think they're twins? Do they look alike?"

"No" replied the manager. "It was just beyond my imagination to think you had been laid more than once."