Jokes

west ham jokes :)
Q . What is the difference between West
Ham and a cup of tea ?

A . The tea stays in the cup longer
Q . What is the difference between West
Ham and a triangle ?

A . A triangle has three points .
Q . What do you get now West Ham are
relegated ?
A . 50 , 000 more Man Utd fans .

Q . What ' s the difference between a lift and
West Ham ?
A . A lift doesn ' t take 9 months to go down .

Q . What do Freddie Kanoute and a jigsaw
puzzle have in common? A . They
both go to pieces in the box.

Q . What ' s the best thing to come out of
West Ham .
A . The A 13

Q . What have David James and Michael
Jackson got in common?
A . They both wear gloves for no apparent
reason.

Q . What ' s the difference between West
Ham 's squad and a battery? A . A
battery has a positive side

Q . What ' s the difference between West
Ham 's squad and a puddle? A . A
puddle has more depth
The seven dwarves are down in the mines
when there is a cave -in . Snow
White runs to the entrance and yells down
to them. In the distance a
voice shouts out " West Ham are good
enough to win the European Cup . "
Snow White says ," Well at least Dopey ' s
alive!"
A man is watching West Ham from his
usual seat but for some reason sat
next to him this week is a man with a dog.
West Ham are playing Really
badly on this particular day but every time
they get possession the dog
starts to bark with encouragement. In the
85 th minute they get their
first corner of the game and the dog goes
absolutely mental. " Why does
your dog do that ?" asks the first man.
"I don 't know, he 's a West Ham fan, it's just
what he ' s like " replies
the owner .
"So what does he do when they score ?" he
asks .
"Well I don 't really know, I've only had him
a year . . . . . "
A source inside Camelot , the lottery people,
has revealed that a man
from West Ham was a recent winner in the
nation's favourite weekly
gamble. The lucky chap was delighted to
announce that he had spent his
winnings on a new player for his beloved
West Ham . "If my three numbers
come up and win me a tenner again ," he
added, "I' ll gladly buy them
another!"
A man goes into Heathrow Airport and
eventually goes into the Departure
lounge waiting for his flight home to be
called . All around him there
are overturned tables , upturned chairs,
smashed windows , flight monitors
broken and crowd control barriers lying on
the floor . " Christ , what ' s
happened here?" he asks one of the ground
crew . " Oh yeah ", he replies
"Bloody hopeless . . . . we had the West Ham
players in here this morning
filming the new Nike ad . "
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce
case find themselves in court
battling over custody of little Johnny , their
only child . In order to
make a fair decision over the boys future ,
the Judge takes Johnny into
his private chambers so that he can find
out which of the parents the
boy would prefer to live with . " Well ,
Johnny " says the Judge , " Would you
like to live with your Mother ?" "No " replied
Johnny , "she hits me all
the time" "Well then ," the Judge continues,
"Would you like to live your
Father?" "No " replied Johnny again , "He hits
me all the time too !" The
Judge looks exasperated and says to the
boy "Well Johnny , who Would you
like to live with ?" "I' d like to live with the
West Ham Football Club "
the boy replied quickly. " Why on earth
would you want to live with the
West Ham Football Club ?" replied the now
extremely puzzled Judge . "Well "
replied Johnny , " They never beat anyone "
Glenn Roeder was going to the West Ham
halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn' t turned into a
coach.

Q : Why do West Ham fans plant potatoes
round the edge of Upton Park ?
A : So they have Something to lift at the end
of the season .

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever." I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine" I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."




"you crafty cunt" said the fairy.

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute.
This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day.
The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."

After losing one of his arms in an accident, a man became very depressed because he had previously been a keen sportsman.

One day in the depths of despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got into a lift and went to the top of a small office block with the intention of jumping off. He was standing on the ledge staring at the street below, when he noticed a guy skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. On closer inspection, he saw that the guy didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here, feeling sorry for myself when there are good people much worse off than me? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a guy with no arms skipping down the street, so happy and just getting on with life.

So he got off the ledge, caught the lift back down and caught up with the guy with no arms. He told him how, having lost one arm, he had felt useless and had been ready to kill himself, but seeing him had been an inspiration. He thanked him for saving his life and said:
"I now realize that I can survive with one arm if you can enjoy life with no arms at all."

The guy began skipping and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
The man felt compelled to ask him: "Why ARE you so happy anyway?"
The guy replied: "I'm not happy - my balls itch!"

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

The Queen was on a visit to a mental hospital. She talked to a male patient tending the hospital flowerbeds and asked him why he was there.

In a calm and serene manner, he told her his life story, adding that he had been in the institution for more than twenty years.

The Queen was mightily impressed by his manner and hinted that she might be able to secure his release, as he seemed completely cured and ready to resume his place in society. The man was extremely grateful and returned to his gardening as the Queen departed.

Her majesty was just about to leave the hospital grounds when a brick suddenly hit her on the back of her head. With blood oozing from her wound, she turned groggily to see the man standing there.

"You won't forget, will you?" he said.

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

A cannibal family had run out of tourists to eat and were forced to turn on each other to survive. At a family meeting, they decided that the father should be sacrificed first, partly because he was the oldest but also because there was enough meat on him to feed the wife and children for the rest of the week.

So they boiled him in a pot and started carving him up. For lunch on the first day, the children ate his ears and cheeks, while their mother cooked his tongue. "Whatever you do" she told them, "don't let me forget to add salt to my dish."

But being kids they did forget and it was not until she took the first bite out of the tongue that she remembered the missing ingredient.
"I knew I'd forget the condiment " she said.

"Why is it so important?" they asked.
"Because" she explained, "I have always made it a rule in life to take whatever comes out of your father's mouth with a pinch of salt!."

A man was sulking because Tiddles the family Persian Blue had eaten the ham-like cold meat that he was intending to have for his tea.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Cat got your tongue?"

A guy said to his pal: "Did you see that horrific movie last night? It was about a little boy who accidentally knocked over a kettle and scalded himself with hot tea. To be honest it shouldn't have had a PG rating."

Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings?
To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.

A half dressed redneck couple were getting intimate on the couch while watching TV.

"Look at them homosexuals" complained the man. "They're ruining the sanctity of marriage. We oughta to go to San Francisco and show those darned liberals that marriage means one man and one woman. Ain't that right darlin?"

The woman replied: "That's right Daddy."