Jokes

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

A police officer knocks on the door of a mans house and says:
"Excuse me sir, have you driven your car at all this morning?"

"No officer" replied the man. "I've been in bed all morning."

"I see sir" said the officer suspiciously. "It's just that your car was reported as having been involved in an accident, and I've just felt the hood and it's warm, so you must have been using it."

The man said angrily: "Well, why don't you put your hands down your pants and touch your dick?"

"Why?" asked the officer.

Slamming the door in the officer's face, the man yelled: "Just because it's warm doesn't mean you've been using it!"

A woman from another country wants to come to the United States. So she goes to the visa department to get a visa. When she gets the form, she fills out her name.
Her first name is ''Wanna'' and her last name, ''Fuckme.''
The visa guy reads over the application and says, ''I'm sorry I can't accept this name. It's inappropriate and you're going to have to change it.''
So, the woman leaves, and is gone for a month and when she returns, she fills out the same form again.
She writes her first name, ''Wanna,'' and her last name ''Fuckme-Please.'''

Two young women went to the hairdresser's. One had a mass of curls, the other had straight hair.

Both asked the hairdresser for a perm but he said he was running low on solution.

"Please let me have it", begged the girl with curls.

"No let it be me" pleaded the girl with straight hair.

After a moment's deliberation, the hairdresser chose the girl with curls.

"Why are you giving her the treatment?" demanded the girl with straight hair. "You can see that I need it more than her."

" Ah yes" he said, "but remember the proverb: the curly bird gets the perm."

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

"Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease," says the waiter.

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

A US cop catches an illegal alien by the Mexican border. "Sorry" he says. "You know the law, you've got to go back."

The Mexican pleads with him, "No senor, I mist stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The cop says, "Ok. Tell you what, I'll let you stay if you can use the words "green, "pink and "yellow" in a sentence.

The Mexican ponders and says, "Hokay. The phone, it went "green, green, green"...I pink it up and sez "yellow?"

One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

What's a Conservative Party spin doctor's motto?
I'm gonna sell you a Tory.

What's the difference between the Pope and your Boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Beggar: "Any Change?"
Man: "No, still the same house and job, but thanks for asking.

Woman: "I'm two months pregnant. When will my baby move?"
Doctor: "With any luck, right after he finishes school.