Jokes

Two Southern belles are talking on the porch of a large white pillared mansion. The first woman says, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me"

The second woman says, "Well isn't that nice"

The first woman continues, "And when my second child was born, my husband bought me that Cadillac you see parked in the driveway.

"Well isn't that nice" the second woman replies.

"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet, holding out her arm in admiration.

"Well isn't that nice" says the second woman once again.

"Tell me, my dear, did your husband give you any gifts when your children were born?"

"Oh, yes. When my eldest was delivered, my husband sent me to a charm school."

"A charm school? What on earth did he do that for?"

"Well, I was having a little trouble with my vocabulary. My language was a little on the coarse side. For example, I used to say things like "Who gives a flying fuck" whereas now I'll just say "Well isn't that nice"

A guy gets a phone call from a hot ex-girlfriend.

They chat about the wild, romantic nights they used to enjoy together and he can't believe it when she asks if he'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling that old magic they once had.

"Well I don't know if I could keep pace with you these days!. I'm a few years older and quite a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

"That's okay" she replies. "I'm sure you'll still rise to the occasion."

"All right" he says. "But I hope you won't mind the fact my waistline is quite a few inches bigger than it used to be."

Laughing, she tells him to stop being so silly, saying teasingly, that tubby, bald men were cute. "And anyway" she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So he tells her to piss off.

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

A granddad asks his grandson to name a fish that starts with W and ends in W.

The grandson ponders for a while and replies: "I have no idea granddad."

"It's Walthamstow" he replies.

"That's not a fish, granddad"

"I Know, but its a plaice"

A husband and wife were out having a few drinks in a bar, when she remembered a new cocktail she'd heard about and begged her husband to try one.

After a little persuasion he relented and allowed her to order one for him. The bartender subsequently placed the following items on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and shot of lime juice.

The wife said: "First you put a bit of salt on your tongue. Then you drink the shot of Baileys. Then finally the lime juice."

The husband reluctantly put the salt on his tongue - it was salty obviously but okay. He then drank the Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thought it was a decent drink - until he drank the lime juice.

In one second the sharp lime taste hit. At two seconds the Baileys curdled. At three seconds, the salty, curdled taste and mucus-like consistency hit. At four seconds, it felt like he had a mouth full of catarrh. This triggered his gag reflex, but being manly, in front of his wife he swallowed the foul tasting drink.

After choking it down, he turned to his wife and said: "My god, what do you call that drink?"

She smiled at him and replied: "Blow Job Revenge."

An American businessman went to Tokyo on a business trip, but because he didn't like Japanese food he asked the hotel manager if there was anywhere in the vicinity where he could get some proper home food.

The manager told him that a new pizza parlour had opened half a mile away and that it did deliveries. Delighted he went to his room with the phone number and ordered a pizza.

Half an hour later, the delivery guy knocks on his hotel door with the pizza. The businessman handed over the money but as soon as he took hold of the pizza he began sneezing uncontrollably.

"What the hell did you put on this pizza" he raged.

The delivery man replied: "We put on exactly what you order on phone: Pepper only"

Driving along a man noticed a fortune teller sitting at a table on the grass verge. She was smiling and laughing.

Incensed the man pulled over, got out of his car, ran over to the woman and began hitting her.

As luck would have it, a police car happened to be passing, and seeing the assault, the two officers jumped out and quickly handcuffed the man.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? " they asked the man.

"I'm sorry" the man replied, "but for ages I've been looking to strike a happy medium in my life."

A blind man went to a brothel and because he couldn't see what he was getting, he was given the roughest old whore they had available.

They went upstairs and she undressed, but when he began to run his hands over her spotty arse, he recoiled in shock.

"Don't worry dearie" she said. "It's just a touch of acne."

"Thank Christ for that" said the blind man. "I thought it was the bloody price list!"

A stand-up comedian got a gig at the local Alzheimer's Association annual party.

He was very nervous because he hadn't worked for a while, but he need not have worried.

His first joke was appreciated so much that he told it again and again and again. Eighty five times to be precise.

After the gig, an old man wandered up to him and shook his hand passionately. "Can I just say, you were simply brilliant, he said. "I really don't know how you remember them all."

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!