Jokes

An old cowboy is sat at the bar sipping his whisky, when a young lady sits next to him. She turns to him and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well" he replied, "I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding and branding cattle, mending fences and so forth, so I guess I am. How about you?"

"I'm a lesbian" the lady replies. "I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I take a shower I think about women. While I watch TV or even eat I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The old cowboy nods and continues sipping his whisky. Shortly afterwards a man sits next to him and asks: "Gee, are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I always thought I was" he replied, But it turns out I'm a lesbian!"

In 2008 the US government commissioned a study to find out why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.

After three years and $2 million, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

France then did they're own study. After $250,000 and one year of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Unsatisfied with both these findings Ireland conducted their own study. After three weeks and at a cost of around $45.50, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead while masturbating.

Work vs Prison


IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

So why is it, again, that we work?

The Ten Commandments Of Employment


If it rings, put it on hold.
If it clunks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
If it's the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it's handwritten, type it.
if it's typed, copy it.
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget it!

What a Man Means When he Says...

Do you want to go see a film? - I would like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? - I want to have sex with you.

Nice dress - Nice tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage - I would like to have sex with you, but first I want you to take your clothes off so I can fondle you.

What's wrong? - I don't see why you're making such a big fucking deal about a bit of fondling.

What's wrong? - What meaningless self-inflicted stupid psychological trauma are you going through now?.

What's wrong? - Bollocks, guess sex tonight is off the menu.

I'm bored - Do you want to have sex or not?

I love you - I want it NOW!

I love you too - Okay I've said it, so can we have sex NOW!?

Yes, I like what you've done with your hair - £50 and you can't tell the bloody difference!

Let's talk - I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and then maybe you'd like to have sex with me.

I like that dress better - For fuck's sake, just buy any bloody dress so we can piss off home.

Will you marry me? - I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men.

A Yank millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday.

During the proceedings he gets bored and decides to stir thinks up a bit.

He grabs the mic off the DJ and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across the pool.

The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there's a loud splash.

All the party guests dash to the pool to see what has happened, and they see a man frantically swimming as hard as he can.

Fins come out of the water, and jaws are snapping, but the mans keeps swimming relentlessly. The sharks are gaining, but the man reaches the end and leaps out of the pool, totally exhausted.

The millionaire hurries over to the man, sits him up, gives him a huge slap on the back in appreciation and says:

"I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give - for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So what will it be?"

The man looks him in the eye and says: "Why don't we start with the name of the bastard who pushed me in!"

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

A redneck had just been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge when he called the young female bartender back and said:
"Miss, right now ah really could do with a piece of ass"

"Hell, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" she exclaimed.
Then she smiled and added: "Sure why not? It's pretty slow here just now. There's a room we can use upstairs."

When they returned half an hour later, the redneck sat down at the same table and the girl asked cheekily: "Will there be anything else?"

"Sure" replied the redneck. "Where ah come from in Arkansas, we like our bourbon in water cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."

What makes life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

but:

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and:
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it... and have a nice day at work...