Jokes

Twenty Lessons We Have Learned From Watching Porn

1 - Women always were high heels to bed.

2 - Men are never impotent.

3 - When going down on a woman, ten seconds is more than satisfactory.

4 - If a woman is discovered masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist that he shags her.

5 - Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6 - Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

7 - Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

8 - Women always achieve orgasm when men do.

9 - A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10 - All women are noisy shags.

11 - In the 1970's people were unable to shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12 - A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

13 - There are Asian women, but no Asian men.

14 - When a man encounters a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend will not knock seven shades of shit out of him if he shoves his penis in his girlfriend's mouth.

15 - There is always a plot.

16 - When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on her arse.

17 - Nurses will suck patients cocks.

18 - When a girlfriend discovers her man getting head from her best friend, she will be momentarily annoyed before shagging both of them.

19 - Women never have headaches.

20 - When a woman is blowing a man's penis it is important for him to remind her to "suck it".

Paddy was appearing on the TV quiz show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?. The second question was for £1,000 and it was:

"Which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers:
A. Ronnie Biggs; B. Ronnie Barker; C. Ronnie Corbett?"

Paddy ponders the question and says: "I've had a lovely time, and I'm going to take the money and leave."

Chris Tarrant is stunned and asks: "Are you stupid? You've only answered one question and you've still got all three lifelines left!"

Paddy replied: "I may be stupid, but I'm not a grass."

Funny boss joke

Hello boss? I can't come to work today...

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.

My stigmata's acting up.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the Environmental Protection
Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.

A man arrived home from a long tiring day at work, flopped down on the sofa in front of the television and called to his wife:
"Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer hun before it starts". She fetched another beer and slammed it down angrily on the coffee table.

He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife was furious. She stormed into the living room and yelled at him: "Is that all you're going to do all evening? Drink beer and sit in front of the bloody TV? You're nothing but a lazy drunken slob, and furthermore...."

The man sighed and said: "It's Bloody started...."

Little Tommy walks up to his dad and says: "Do you and Mummy keep birds in your bedroom?"

His Dad replies: "No, of course not, what makes you ask that?"

"Well, last night I was passing by your room and I heard you saying to Mummy: Do you want a swallow, or should I let it fly tonight"

(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The Protestant Leader Reverend Ian Paisley is about to tell his two granddaughters a bedtime story.

"NOW CHILDREN" He booms. "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR? A FAIRY TALE, OR A HORROR STORY?"

"Horror, horror, please granddad" squeal the kids.

"RIGHT! ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WERE THESE TWO CATHOLICS. AND NOW THERE'S THOUSANDS OF THE BASTARDS!!"

Credit Card Application: what the terms really mean

WHAT IT SAYS: You have demonstrated financial responsibility...
WHAT IT MEANS: You're breathing!

WHAT IT SAYS: Our membership is difficult to obtain...
WHAT IT MEANS: Life sentence prisoners are not eligible...in most cases.

WHAT IT SAYS: We have shortened the application process...
WHAT IT MEANS: We need lots of new members fast or we'll go out of business.

WHAT IT SAYS: You have no predetermined credit limit...
WHAT IT MEANS: We're not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency.

WHAT IT SAYS: Exceptional Customer Service...
WHAT IT MEANS: Except when you need it!

WHAT IT SAYS: Trained customer representatives await your call...
WHAT IT MEANS: This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?

WHAT IT SAYS: To apply for membership, fill out this short form...
WHAT IT MEANS: You'll get the long form later.

WHAT IT SAYS: You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else..
WHAT IT MEANS: Catch us if you can!

WHAT IT SAYS: We look forward to receiving your completed application...
WHAT IT MEANS: We baited the hook, lets see if anyone bites!

WHAT IT SAYS: You've been pre-approved...
WHAT IT MEANS: You've been pre-approved to be rejected! or We've already prepared your letter of denial.

A boy was brought up to lead a very sheltered life by his very strict parents. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. He was so naïve that when one day he saw a school friend kissing a girl, he went straight home and asked his mother what they were doing.

His mother told him: "It's called kissing, and any boy that does that to a girl will be instantly turned to stone!"

On his 21st birthday, he was introduced by a friend to a sweet girl who knew that he had never been kissed before. When she got him alone, she tried to kiss him, but he resisted.

"Why won't you let me kiss you?" she asked. "There's nothing to be afraid of."

"There is!" he said. "My mother says that if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very minute!"

"That's nonsense" said the girl, and she proceeded to plant a full kiss on his lips.

He instantly recoiled in horror. "Oh no, I'm going to die!" he exclaimed.

"No you're not" replied the girl.

"I am" he insisted. "I've only just kissed you and already one part of me has started to get stiff!"

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road in Nevada. The Letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big letters on the side of the craft.

Two bug eyed aliens stepped out and while the gas station manager stood paralysed with shock, his young blonde assistant nonchalantly filled up the crafts tank and waved to the aliens as they took off again.

As they disappeared into the sky, the station manager turned to the blonde and said: "Don't you realise what just happened?"

"Yeah" the blonde replied. "So what?"
"Didn't you see those two beings?" stressed the manager.
"Yeah" said the blonde, shrugging her shoulders. "So what?"
"But didn't you see the letters "UFO" on the side of the craft?"
"Yeah". "So what?"
"Don't you know what UFO stands for?"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Course I do, I've been working here five years. UFO stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."