Jokes

Two sisters were still virgins at the age of eighty-five. Finally in frustration one of them Rose, announced: "I'm damned if I'm going to die a virgin. So tonight I'm going out on the town and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"

Shocked by the outburst, her sister Betty, warned: "Well don't be too late. There are some strange people in town on a Saturday night."

All evening Betty waited anxiously to hear the key in the door. At last - at half past one in the morning - Rose returned and headed straight to the bathroom.

A concerned Betty called through the door: "Are you ok Rose?"

There was no answer so Betty opened the door to see Rose sitting on the toilet, panties round her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it Rose?" cried Betty. "What's wrong?"

Rose replied: "Betty, it was ten inches long when it went in and five when it came out. I tell you, when I find the other half, you're gonna have the time of your life!"

Memo Degredation

Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is
when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is
something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for
employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in
the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing
the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will
be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will
be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two
minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The
CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some
information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for
two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be
seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will
eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will
be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear.
It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.

After months of excavating a site, an archaeological dig in Scandinavia unearthed an imposing statue of the ancient Norse god of thunder.

But what really set this find apart from similar statues were the dramatic eyes - two dazzling, blood red rubies that shone menacingly from his warrior-like face.

The two leading archaeologists on the dig were naturally keen to claim the remarkable discovery as their own, and much to the amusement of the assembled workers, they squabbled long into the evening as to whose name should be put forward.

The bickering finally ceased when they reluctantly agreed to a proposal that the statue be listed as a joint discovery. As the workers dispersed one digger turned to his friend and said: "Well that was a fight for Thor eyes."

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Over the past week I've seen a Chinese guy in a suit and a bowler hat cut next doors lawn, trim their hedge and their garage door.
He must be their odd job man.


While doing my shopping in Tesco's earlier today i was really surprised when a family of talking mice began bagging up my goods.
They're right - every Little helps!

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K.

He is striped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join.

Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again.

The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization." As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

Beer VS Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

Having an ice-cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice-cold pussy makes you Ann Widdecombe.
Advantage: Beer.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy.

Twenty-four beers in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you angry at the person giving you the beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

A beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, the Woman may get angry.
If you come smelling like pussy, the Woman will certainly get angry.
Advantage: Beer.

Six beers in a night and you better not drive. Six pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy.

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor: Advantage: Draw.

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyser. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy.

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you grab a beer at work, you get fired. If you try and grab a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw.

Peeling labels off beer bottles is fun. Peeling panties off pussy is lots more fun: Advantage: Pussy.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer. Advantage: Definitely Pussy!

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

Ahhh... I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again...
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh-t.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
You!... Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder... my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.