Jokes

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.

"I can fix that with some Aspirin. I'll just take some and be better in a second." So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking."

The Queen was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to a man lying there.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.
"I've got a wart on my balls" he replied, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One rushed immediately over to him.

"You can't say that to the Queen!" the nurse shouted.
"Well, what should I have said then?" he asked.

"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but "I have a wart on my balls!" answered the nurse.

Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.

"And what is wrong with you, sir?" asked the princess.
"Er....I have a bruise on my back" replied the man.
"Oh" said the princess, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better...I'll inform the Queen."

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

What school reports really mean:

A born leader - Runs a protection pack.

Easy going - Bone idle.

Making good progress - Slightly less awful than last year.

Friendly - Never shuts up.

Helpful - A creep.

Reliable - Informs on his friends.

Expresses himself confidently - A rude bastard.

Enjoys physical education - A bully.

Does not accept authority easily - Dad is in prison.

Often appears tired - Insomniac telly addict.

A rather solitary child - He stinks and has no friends.

Popular in the playground - Sells porn.

The difference between fathers of yesterday and today

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe and make sure he captures the moment with a video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed clothing on to their kids. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from university long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set up the Blu-ray player.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note, Mike's at football, Kerry's at gymnastics, I'm at aerobics, pizza in fridge.

In 1900, fathers and sons would have a heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today a father spends £500 at Toys R Us, and the kid screams "I wanted an X-box.

In 1900, a happy meal was when father shared funny stories around the table. Today, a happy meal is what dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children stood to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're in the way on the TV."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters boyfriends with shotguns if the girl came home late. Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So... how long have you had that earring?"

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer
made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you
will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable
clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the
package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that
accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
"I’d like to buy a horth," he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" asks the owner.
"A female horth," the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf. "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and puts him down again.
"Nithe eyeth," says the dwarf. "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth, and puts him down. "Nithe teeth. May I now see her earth?" the dwarf asks.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.
"Nithe earth," he says. "Now, can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep inside the horse’s fanny. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhapth I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?!!"

Due to the financial situation within the farming industry, the
Government has decided to place all farmers over the age of 60
on an early retirement scheme.

The scheme (Retire Agricultural Personnel Early) will be known as RAPE.

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply for (Special Help After Farm
Termination) or SHAFT.

Those who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will then be reviewed under the
(Scheme for Retired Early Workers) or SCREW.

Please note: You can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED
as many times as the Government deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income
for Dependants) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Rural Personnel on Early
Severance)

Those Farmers remaining in the Industry will receive as much Special
High Intensity Training or (SHIT) and Caring Responsive Assistance
Programme or (CRAP) as possible.

As you are aware, the Government has always prided itself on the amount
of SHIT and CRAP it gives to Farmers. Should you feel however, you are
not receiving enough SHIT, or that you are not responding to all the
CRAP, please bring this to the attention of the Minister as he has been
especially trained to give you all the SHIT and CRAP that you can handle.

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy."

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

After a night drinking in various bars around town, a young man ended the evening in a Chinese restaurant. He was just about to eat a plate of food when he suddenly screamed: "Theirs a pair of eyes staring at me from my plate!"

The waiter came over to see what was causing the commotion.

"Waiter" he said, "I know I've had a few drinks, but I definitely saw two eyes peering at me from under my noodles."

"There's nothing to worry about sir" the waiter replied. "It's only the Peeking Duck."