Jokes

An airline's passengers were being served by a flamboyantly gay flight attendant who entertained them by cracking jokes, while handing out the food and drink.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the isle and announced: "Captain Kenny has asked me to tell you that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you lovely people could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his way back up the aisle he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. He said to her cheerfully: Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She slowly turned to face him and replied: "In my country I am an princess. I take orders from no one."

"Well" he replied. "In my country I'm called a queen, so put your tray up bitch."

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

A young newlywed couple had a number of disagreements about the wife's refusal to give up smoking.

One afternoon, when she again lit up following sex, he told her: "You really ought to quit."

Getting tired of his nagging, she responded: "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex"

"But they stunt your growth" he replied
"Have you ever smoked?" she asked.
"No" he said.
Lifting her gaze to his groin, she laughed: "So what's your excuse?"

NASA decided to send a team of astronauts to the moon to investigate once and for all wheather or not it was made of cheese.
They deliberately landed on a part of the moon not visited by previous missions and set about taking samples from the moons surface.

At first the terrain offered no evidence of cheese but as they ventured further from their spacecraft, they came across an area of outstanding natural beauty, where the ground was made up of pure brie.

They reported back the exciting news to mission control who immediately ordered them to dig up a large sample. No sooner had they done this, than mission control radioed them to dig up another large sample to bring back to Earth.

They obeyed mission control, and about ten minutes later mission control got in touch again telling them to bring back a third large sample.

The astronauts radioed back in protest: "This is an area of immense beauty, and if we do as you request, we're going to leave huge holes in it. The place will be ruined. After all, did you ever see such a thing in your life as brie mined thrice?"

Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines.

Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents.

The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes."

The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!"

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with his young sexy personal assistant, so one day she decided to try to catch him out by calling in at his office unannounced.

Sure enough, she walked in to find the P.A sitting on her husband's lap

Without hesitating, he dictated,...."and in conclusion, gentlemen, regardless of shortages, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ...
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah..." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A window cleaner gets a contract to clean the windows of a monastery. The chief abbot tells to clean all the windows except for the top three.

After five years of cleaning the windows, his curiosity gets the better of him and he extends his ladder up against the first of the top three windows. He looks in and sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table, with a mouse running on top.

Puzzled he climbs down, moves the ladder across to the second window, and climbs up and looks in. There is a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

Even more perplexed he climbs down, moves the ladder across to the third window, climbs back up and looks in. He sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist, being flogged.

He climbs down, and at the bottom, the chief abbot is waiting for him.
He says: "Look, I know you're going to sack me, but please at least tell me just what is going on."

"Well" replied the abbot. "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk - wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. In the second window you saw a monk with the prize."

"But what about the third window" the cleaner asks.

"Well" says the abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."