Jokes

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three
influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news,"
he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news
is, He's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and
worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all.
The worse news is He's mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good
news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the
three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we
don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."

Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

They correct you, even when you don't ask them too.

They respond well to being re-booted.

They have minds of their own.

Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible future review.

They go down on you.

The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your monthly salary on buying accessories for it.

Inserting a three-and-a-half-inch floppy can cause them to freeze.

They take half an hour to warm up in the morning.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth
was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the
air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own
image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and
Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought
forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

Man: "You remind me of my wife.
Lap Dancer: "I'll take that as a compliment, why is she pretty?"
Man: "No, it's just that I also give her shit loads of money and never get any sex.

My mates stunning 23 year-old mistress packed him in because of his Soul II Soul obsession. I suppose now it's back to wife, back to reality for him.

In the Beginning - By The Book


In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing
at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the
first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What
about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would
obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light
out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and
the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in
semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application
and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing.
Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

An old lady is at her husband's funeral. She tells her granddaughter that throughout their married life they had enjoyed physical relations each and every Sunday morning in time to the church bells.

"Maybe he was getting a bit old for that sort of thing" says the granddaughter.

"Nonsense" replies the old lady. "If it hadn't been for that ice-cream van, he'd still be alive today.

God's Kids

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from
the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
The first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he
stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break
and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there
is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't
be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what
made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Things not to say to your prospective boss at a job interview.

I want your Job.

Who's that old hag in the photo on your desk?

Do you want to hear about my police record?

I never work in the afternoon - I'm too drunk.

Have you just farted?

Where in God's name did you get that tie?

I'm only here because there's nothing good on TV.

I bet you and your secretary get it together after work.

I hear nobody does much work in this place.

What route do the cashiers take to the bank?

The last six jobs I've had, I've walked out with 50,000 pounds in compensation for unfair dismissal.

The voices in my head told me to come for this interview.

Want to buy some porno dvds.

Hey, dog breath, what sort of salary will I be on?

Three sharks met in the ocean and talked about the people they'd recently eaten. The first said: "I swallowed Bin Laden yesterday but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick."

The second shark said: "I swallowed Vladimir Putin last week but he had so much vodka in him that I'm still feeling drunk.

The Third shark said: "You're lucky. I swallowed George W. Bush three weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!"

Excuses to offer for being asleep at the office

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

Damn. Why did you interrupt me? I'd almost figured out a solution to our problem.

My entire family was wiped out last night by machine-gun wielding burglars, and I didn't get much sleep afterwards.

I must have left the top off the correction fluid.

I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.

I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

This is in return for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work.

I was psyching myself up for the rest of the day.

I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.

The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun, so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.