Jokes

my brother justadded a facebook status that reads"cant believe ive been with my gf for a year now" me neither i thought as i was only shagging her 4 months ago

a man says to his gf from the moment i first saw you i wanted to make love to you badly."you succeeded"she replied

Four gay guys were relaxing in the hot tub when suddenly a big wad of cum floats to the surface. " O.K. ' says one, " Who farted? "

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

You ever have one of those nights where it's so boring it feels like time is going backwards?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.  This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’   
The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn't know you were into earrings.’  ‘Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.  His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, ‘So, how long have you been wearing one?’  
‘Ever since my wife found it in my truck...’ 

It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. ‘God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours’.  
‘Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstrais, and yelling 'Hey baby, let's have sex'. When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep’.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.  Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.  
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.  
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’   The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.   10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.   
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’   The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’ 

Just got accepted for the 2010 London Marathon, I'm not worried about the training though. . .I'll walk it