Jokes

My Korean friend died last week. So Yung he was.

Paddy's wife was about to give birth, so off he rushes to the hospital.
On arrival the nurse asks: "How dilated is she?
"Oh Jaysus! beamed paddy. "Were both over the bloody moon!"

Waking up on the eve of her birthday, a woman said to her husband:
"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tomorrow" he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day, and she couldn't wait for the following morning to arrive. As she sat up in bed on her birthday, her husband handed her a beautifully wrapped small package.

She opened it excitedly to find a book entitled The Meaning of Dreams

Remember a child

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A man is talking to his neighbour over the garden fence. "It's your Carla's birthday today isn't it?" he asked. "Wish her happy birthday from me. How old is she?"

The neighbour replied "She's twelve. And do you know what she said to me this morning?" She said: "Dad don't worry, I won't have sex for another four years. I tell you, she gets more like her mother every day.!"

An elderly spinster was so desperate for love that she went to the local newspaper office to put an advertisement in the Lonely Hearts column.

"Well madam" said the clerk, "we charge a minimum of £1 per insertion."

"You don't say!" exclaimed the spinster. "Here, take £20 and to hell with the advertisement!"

You Know You're in a Redneck Church If...

In a congregation of over 500, there are only seven surnames in the church directory.

The collection plates are hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy.

A member of the congregation requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The opening day of deer season is recognised as an official church holiday.

When they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, the congregation asks whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch em.

The baptismal pool is a rusty washtub on wheels.

The communion wine is Billy-Bob's homebrew.

The minister and his wife drive matching pick-up trucks.

Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs too.

The choral robes bear the logo "Billy-Bob's Spicy Chicken Diner."

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear."

A woman walks into a butchers shop in Dublin and complained about the lamb chops she had bought there the previous week.

"Those chops were six inches long when I bought them, but by the time I'd finished grilling them, they had shrunk to just three inches!"

"That's funny" replied the butcher. "My wife knitted me a sweater recently, and the first time she washed it, the sleeves shrunk by three inches."

"What's your sweater got to do with my lamb chops? asked the woman indignantly.

"Well" said the butcher," "they must have come from the same sheep."

In New York City, an American and a Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime go. They agreed to meet up again a few days later to see who had got the most out of a dime.

The American revealed how he had bought a cigar with his dime. He had smoked one-third of the cigar the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked another third the second day and saved the ashes. On the third day, he smoked the final third and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Scotsman proudly: "How's that for stretching a dime!"

The Scotsman replied: "Very good, but I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and on the first day I ate half of it. On the second day, I ate the other half. The third day, I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day, I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelt like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"

There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period. It's an ovary action.

Abbot: "Why is that obese monk meditating in the kitchen?"
Housekeeper: "Well, you did say we should get a deep fat friar."

Why are there so many lady jockeys? Because they like the thought of having 14 hands between their legs.

After the PLO and Israel shook hands and said that everything was fine, the President invited the Israeli Prime Minister back to the Oval office.

The Prime Minister looked at the President's desk and noticed he had three phones, a black one, a red one, and a white one. The Prime Minister asked, "What is the red phone for?"

"It's a direct line to Russia. Got to keep up with them."
"What's the black one?"
"That's to the Pentagon."
"What's the white one for then?"
"That's a direct line to God. Did you know that it's a $5,000,000 a minute phone call to him?"

The Prime minister just nodded and carried on with the tour. Weeks later the President took a secret trip to Israel, and while there he toured the Prime Minister's office, and noticed he had three phones also just like his.

"Whats the red one for?"
"It's a direct line to Russia."
"How about the black one?
"Mossad"
"What about the white one?"
"It's a direct line to God"
"How can a not so well-off country like yours afford such an expensive phone call?"
"Oh well, from here it's local rate."