Jokes

Old Bert shuffles into his local pub and orders half a pint of stout. After nursing his drink for an hour, Bert watches as a well-dressed man comes in and speaks to the barman.

"Can I have four crates of bottled ale, two crates of mild and two crates of bitter?" the man asks. Old Bert starts rapping his knuckles on the bar. The man continues, "Also, I'll need a keg of lager, three bottles of whisky, two bottles of gin, a bottle of tequila, three litres of tonic water, four litres of coke and fifty packets of assorted crisps."

Bert continues to rap his knuckles on the bar; he's now looking quite angry. The Barman calculates the bill, hands over the goods and takes the mans money. Bert continues to rap on the bar.

Finishing the transaction the barman turns to Bert. "So then what can I do for you?" he asks. "About bloody time" says old Bert. "I'll have half a pint of stout. You ought to watch it, you know. You'll go broke if you carry on like that."

"What do you mean?" the barman asks. "Ignoring your regular customers like that. You'll lose business. I'm in here every evening; that other sod only comes in once a week!"

Beware of unknown number

Unknown No.1
Hi,Do u have a boyfriend?
Girl:Yes.Who are you?
It's your dad, be home this weekend, and we will talk!
Unknown No.2
Hi do you have a boyfriend?
Girl:Not a chance,who are you anyway?
It's your bf,sucks to know that you are not proud to be with me and be your bf
Girl:Sorry babe,I thought u r my dad, he texted me a while back asking the same question
Yes,it's me, your dad.We'll have a long talk this weekend!

A woman is caught shoplifting and sent to court. "And what did you steal?" asks the magistrate.

"A bunch of bananas, Your Honour"
"How many bananas was that"
"There were five bananas in the bunch."
"I see, in that case, I think a sentence of 5 months would be appropriate."

Her husband shouts from the back of the court, "She also stole a bunch of grapes..."

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno are having a girl-to-girl talk. "You're lucky you don't have to have sex" says Hillary. "I have to have sex with Bill all the time and I never feel good about it; there's no telling who he last had his pecker in. God knows what he's picked up."

Janet replies, "Just because I'm not that good looking doesn't mean I don't have sex. In fact I often have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

"So how do you do that?" asks Hillary.

"It's easy" Janet replies. "Whenever a guy's getting too fresh with me, I squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can. That soon puts them off."

That night, Hillary's lying in bed with Bill when he starts to get frisky.
Hillary's not in the mood, so she decides to put Janet's advice into action. She tenses up and lets out the most disgusting fart imaginable.

Straight away, Bill is wafting up the sheets to get rid of the stench. "Jesus Christ!" he says, "Janet is that you?"

A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 18 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy.

"Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says,

"Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 18 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... So how much does he weigh now"?

The proud father answers, "14 pounds.

"The bartender is puzzled and concerned.

"What happened?"

"He was 18 pounds the day he was born.

"The father takes a slow swig of his Glenfiddich Scots whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"We had him circumcised."

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782

Jimmy, who was on holiday on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate ... you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Jimmy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Jimmy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?

' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate ... the potato goes in the front!'

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782

Scientists in America have announced that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove the theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and lost the ability to drive.

How do you make your cock look bigger? Buy smaller hens.

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? "I didn't say "Wreck my election, I said..."

A Bloke was busy at his desk at work, when one of his colleagues takes a dump on his head. He just carried on under turd.

What banned weapon do you use to kill slugs? A Salt Rifle.

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.

Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy into the next room and stood him in the corner.

A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head round the door and pleaded, "Please sir, may we have our teacher back."