Jokes

How a Real Woman Interprets Handy Hints From British TV Cook Delia Smith

Delia's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, tough shit! Remember the Real Woman's motto: "I made it, and you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep for weeks.
The Real woman's Way: Let it keep forever. Who eats celery anyway.

Delia's Way: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's frozen pie directions do not include anything about brushing egg white over the crust, so we don't do that.

Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in a bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy a packet of instant potato and keep it in the cupboard for a year.

Delia's Way: Cure for Headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub into your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for Headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in eight ounces of vodka. Drink the Vodka. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be happy.

Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Forget the gloves, use that gadget you keep in front on the TV- that's what he's there for, isn't it?

Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine????.....Hello!!!!

The Guy Test

Are You a Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

a. He is legally within the basepath,
b. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and c. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

Women would rule the world.

Signs That the Car You Just Bought is an Old Wreck

As you leave the used car lot, you see the previous owner rush out and high-five the salesman.

You notice that the free car phone they threw in as part of the deal has a local breakdown company on speed dial.

The coat hanger that serves as a radio aerial is described by the salesman as a "feature."

You would take your car into the garage for repairs but it can't get up the ramp.

Priests cross themselves as you drive by.

The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

Youths on the rampage in your street vandalize every car except yours.

As you drive up to a service station for petrol, the mechanic automatically opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.

In fifth gear, you are overtaken by a mobility scooter.

You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

Thieves thought about stealing your wheels but then realised that the bricks they were going to put in their place were actually worth more.

When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked in your street. As you drive off, it silently falls in behind you.

The steering wheel column appears to be held in place with Blu-Tack.

Whenever you signal to turn left, the windshield wipers start.

The front bumper has rope burns from being towed so much.

Reasons Why Men Can't Change The Baby In The Middle Of The Night

"I'm sure he called for Mummy."

"I'm having a really good dream, and I don't want to spoil it."

"I've got an important meeting the day after next."

"You're so much better with him than me."

"I've got cramp."

"You must admit, I need my beauty sleep much more than you do."

"I couldn't face a nappy after that late-night curry."

"I can't find my dressing gown."

"You know how I get baby cream and the oven cleaner mixed up."

"I got up last time....all right, the time before that."

"I'm asleep."

38 Things Women Can't Do:

1. Know anything about a car except its colour.
2. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.
3. Understand a movie plot
4. Lift
5. Throw.
6. Catch.
7. Park.
8. Fart.
9. Read a map.
10. Resist Ikea.
11. Sit still.
12. Play pool.
13. Eat a kebab whilst walking.
14. Pee out of a train window.
15. Argue without shouting.
16. Get told off without crying.
17. Understand fruit machines.
18. Clear their throat noisily.
19. Walk past a shoe shop.
20. Not comment on strangers clothes.
21. Use small amounts of toilet paper.
22. Let you sleep with a hangover.
23. Drink a pint gracefully.
24. Throw a punch.
25. Do magic.
26. Enjoy Porn.
27. Eat a really hot curry.
28. Get to the point.
29. Take less than twenty minutes in the bathroom.
30. Avoid credit card debt.
31. Dive into a pool.
32. Assemble furniture.
33. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb.
34. Set a Sky box to record a programme.
35. Not try and change you.
36. Buy a purse that fits their pocket.
37. Choose a DVD quickly.
38. Get this far without having argued about at least one of the above.

Rules

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Why was the amorous male patient thrown out of hospital?
After three days he took a turn for the nurse.

A large hole was found in a fence surrounding a nudist colony. Police are looking into it.

My granddad was bayoneted in the great war. He was pronounced dead on a rifle.

A blonde thought she might be pregnant, so her boyfriend went out and bought her a pregnancy-testing kit.

He said "Now take this in the bathroom, do your business on it and see if it changes colour."

Five minutes later, he called out: "Has it turned blue yet?"

"No" the blonde shouted. "It's still brown."