Jokes

I've been called irritating not once, not twice, not three times, not four times, not five times.... not even six times.... not seven times, not eight times, not nine times, not ten times, not eleven times, not even twelve times... not thirteen times, not fourteen times, not fifteen times, not sixteen times, not seventeen times, not even eighteen times....

like most deaf people, my dad went to the school of hard knocks

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

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Today a man told me he produced organic chocolate on his farm, turned out it was bullshit.

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With a cracking pair of tits in full view, the girl sat next to me said "would you like me to get one out for you to suck on?"
I replied "Oh, yes please, unwrapping boiled sweets is difficult with birdwatchers gloves on."

I phoned the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a kind of goat with a long neck. It turned out I'd phoned dial a lama.

Policeman: "I'd like you to accompany me to the station."
Drunk: "Sorry officer, I've left my piano at home."

How do you spot an egotist at a party?
He is me-deep in conversation.

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.
He a had a Wigan address.

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
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Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
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What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Who was the greatest financier that ever lived?
Noah, because he was able to float a company when the whole world was in liquidation.

I watched a movie with my girlfriend last night. I was on the edge of my seat. It's about time she lost some bloody weight.

People said I would never get over my Phil Collins obsession. They should take a look at me now.

The police are still hunting for a man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer. The Chief Inspector had a tip off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

Why did the mushroom go to the party?


'Cause he's a fun-guy..

What d'ya call a fat orange?


A satsumo

..
....
......
......... 'cause he's a c*nt.