Jokes

A lady sitting in first class saw the cockpit door open, she was incredulous to see that the pilot was reading, very concerned she asked a flight attendant, “Miss, why is the pilot reading? Isn’t he supposed to be flying? “The woman fainted when the flight attendant said, "oh well, he’s just studying for his pilot license."


A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Worrying news from the Japanese financial markets.

Following last weeks disclosure that Origami Bank had folded, news has it that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song.

Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. But Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks.

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but there's another one on the way"
he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"
he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"
He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.
An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialing the hospital, hands shaking, and accidentally dialed the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea Cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors.

Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they started to think about their home back in Florida.

The wife asked: "Did you remember to pay the final instalment on the Chevrolet before we came away?"
"No, honey, I clean forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the electric bill before we left home?"
"No, I completely forgot. Sorry."
"Did you remember to pay the gas bill?"
"Do you know, that slipped my mind too. Sorry."
"And what about paying the six-monthly Tax Bill?
"I new there was something important I had to do. "I'm really sorry honey."
"Well, at least there's one good thing" the wife sighed.
"What's that ?"
"They'll find us."

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

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Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off

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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.

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Q: What did the letter O say to Q? A: Dude, your dick is hanging out.

After five years without a relationship, Bob begins dating again. Three weeks later, he met his pal Alan in the street.

"How's it going with your new girlfriend? asked Alan.

"It's ok" Bob replies. "But there are so many things you have to get used to in a new relationship, things you forget about after five years of single life."

"Like what?"

"Well after sex, as we're lying there, I have to keep repeating to myself: Don't hand her cash...don't hand her cash."

I got a letter offering me a heavy duty protective metal vest for half price. Bloody chain mail.

Man: "I have dancing in my blood."
Woman: "Well, you must have poor circulation because it hasn't got to your feet yet."

I met a girl in a club, and she said she'd show me a good time. So we went outside, and she ran the 100 metres in 10.73 seconds.

My doctor said he would have me on my feet in three weeks. He was right. I had to sell my car to pay his bill.

After twenty-five years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:

"Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, and a big bed, but I'm sleeping with a fifty-one year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not pulling your weight."

She replied calmly: "Then why don't you go out and find yourself a sexy twenty-six-year-old blonde? And if you do, I'll make sure that once again you'll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed."

I wish I'd get a job soon, all the interviews I have, they always say "take a seat", I haven't got any room left in the house, so many chairs...