Jokes

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

On a visit to his parent's house, a young man was asked by his mother to set the table for dinner.

When he opened the refrigerator, he saw taped to the inside of the door a picture of a scantily-dressed, super slim model.

"What's the picture all about?" he asked.
His mother replied: "I put it there to remind me not to over-eat."
"Is it working?"
"Yes and no. I've lost fifteen pounds, but your dad has gained twenty."

A stranger in town knocked on the door of a house where a taxi driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked him what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed" said the man

"Okay mister" replied the voice. "But this is a private club, so you gotta slip fifty bucks as an introduction fee through the mail slot."

The man opens his wallet, puts in the fifty bucks and the panel is closed. He waits for several minutes but nothing happens. Eventually he bangs on the door until the panel is slid open again.

"I WANT to get screwed!" he demands forcibly.

"What?" said the voice. "Again?"

Snow White didn't achieve much in her life, but she did manage to turn one of the dwarfs purple. So at least she dyed Happy.

Life is like a box of chocolates: If you're fat, it doesn't last long.

Love isn't constant: it comes in spurts.

Husband: "Do you think the excitement and romance has gone out of our marriage?
Wife: "I'll discuss it with you during the next commercial break.

An Indian walks into a saloon dressed like a cowboy. He goes up to the bar, looks at the bartender and says: "Me wantum beer."

So the bartender gives him a beer. He drinks it, and then goes into the bathroom, pulls out his pistol, shoots the toilet, walks back out, grabs his bag, opens it, pulls out a mangy-looking cat and takes a big bite out of it."

The bartender looks at him and says: "Son, what the hell are you doing?"

The Indian replies: "Me being like the white man. Me drink beer, shoot shit, and eat pussy."

Ever since my smart-ass brother got his archaeology degree, all he's done is have a dig.

I owe my athletic physique to my wife and clean living. "Clean the car...Clean the attic...Clean the garage."

A dwarf walked into a library and asked for a book on irony. The librarian replied: "Yes, its on the top shelf."

A man goes for a interview to be a bus driver. The Interviewer says:
"You're thirty minutes late. The jobs yours."