Jokes

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace


1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

An old man is forced to give up his country cottage after living in it for eighty years. He puts the cottage on the market and prepares to show round prospective buyers.

The first people to arrive are a young couple from London looking to buy a weekend retreat. They love the old cottage, its gardens, and the views of the countryside, but they are a bit concerned over the lack of amenities.

The cottage has no gas supply and the only water source is a well. They get an even bigger shock when they ask to see the toilet and are shown to a privy in the corner of the garden.

They peer into the dank interior and look at each other. "It's a bit grim" says the husband to his wife. "It's horrible" she replies.

She turns to the old man and says: "This nasty shack doesn't even have a lock on the door. "Oh don't worry about that miss" the old man replies. "I've lived here for eighty years and I've not had a single turd stolen yet."

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”

Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

Bob rings his mate Steve and asks for his help. Bob is picking up a crate from the docks and he needs Steve's help to get it into his van.

Steve agrees and they set off to the docks. When they get there, they find a large crate waiting for them. "So what's in this thing?" asks Steve. "It's a baboon all the way from Africa"

"What on earth do you want a baboon for" asks Steve.
"To put in my bathroom" Bob replies.
"You want to put a baboon in your bathroom?" says Steve astonished

"Yes, it's to teach my wife a lesson. She's a great know-all. If the neighbours cat has just died, I'll tell her and she'll say "Yeah I know" If the price of bread goes up I'll tell her, and she'll say "Yeah I know."

"I see" says Steve. "But how is putting a baboon in your bathroom going to help?"

"Tomorrow morning my wife will get up and go for a pee in the bathroom. Then she'll run out screaming and say "Bob! There's a baboon in the bathroom!" And I'll turn over and say "Yeah I know."

Little Jimmy asks his dad to buy him a new bicycle.

"I'm sorry son" says dad "We can't afford it. Money's tight at the moment. We have a £100,000 mortgage, the roof needs replacing and the foundations are subsiding. It's going to cost us a lot of money to put that right."

Jimmy nods his head sadly and walks off. Next morning, Dad sees Jimmy heading for the front door with a couple of packed suitcases.
"And where do you think you're going?" he asks.

"I'm getting the hell out of here" replies Jimmy.
"Why?" asks Dad.

"I heard you and mum last night in the bedroom. You said you were puling out and she said to hang on, as she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm going to be left all by myself in a sinking house with a leaky roof and a £100,000 mortgage, with no bike!"

I'm a meticulous ejaculator - I always cross the tits and dot the eyes.

A girl got naked on the sofa, then pointed to the coffee table and said:
"Would you rather shag me over that?"
"Sure I would" said the guy. "You're much prettier."

I'm going to rename my penis "Thelifeoutofme" because my wife is always willing to suck that.