Jokes

A Women's Perspective Of Giving A Blow Job In Poetry Form

Penis breath, a lovers dread, Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee.
It's times like this you wonder why, you bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease- accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do, so open wide and shove it through.
Lick the tip, then take it all, don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.
Slide up and down, use your lips and see the precum start to spit.
Your jaw aches, your neck is numb, when the fucks he gonna come.

Just when you can't take anymore, you hear your lovers mighty roar,
And when he hits that real high note, you feel it oozing down your throat.
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff - ok already, that's enough.
Lets switch, you say, Before you gag, and what revenge, you're on the rag.

A week or so before her wedding, a daughter was watching her mother baking biscuits in the kitchen. "Mum" she asked, "how do you keep Dad happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hitched up her dress, squatted down and picked up the dough with her snatch. "Practise this" she said, "and when you can do it, I guarantee your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life."

So the daughter practised and practised until her wedding night. While her husband waited for her in bed, she donned a sexy negligee and emerged from the bathroom carrying a jar of biscuit dough.

She opened the jar, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee and squatted over the dough. As rehearsed, she then picked up the dough with her snatch, but in doing so accidentally emitted a thunderous fart.

Her husband immediately leaped out of bed and backed away ashen-faced. "What's wrong honey?" she asked.

"Listen woman" he said. "if that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell ain't throwing no meat at it."

Euphemisms For Taking A Dump

Releasing the chocolate hostage.

Firing a torpedo out to sea.

Saying goodbye to Mr Brown.

Dropping a wad in the porcelain god.

Letting a brown snake out of the cave.

Drooping one from the poopdeck.

William Shatnering.

Doing business with John.

Giving birth to the brown eel.

Stocking the pond with brown trout.

Logging into the toilet and making a huge download.

Poking out the turtle's head.

Taking a trip to the oval office.

Backing the big brown motor-home out of the garage.

Blowing the butt trumpet.

Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl.

Feeding the Sewer gators.

Download a brownload.

Two old men Bill and Frank were enjoying a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. Frank says to Bill, "I'm really starting to feel my age, Bill."

"What makes you say that Frank, you seem still quite sprightly to me."

"Well Bill, the other night Mabel had gone to bed early, so I was flicking around the TV channels looking for something to watch and I stumbled across this adults-only channel. There was this gorgeous girl in a skimpy little French Maids outfit, pushing a vacuum cleaner around and bending over provocatively. As her little skirt rode up, exposing her lovely little bottom with the tiny strip of black material covering her crack, all I could think of was: "We used to have a Hoover like that one."

Trying to instil good manners into her young students, a teacher asked them the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?"

Leroy put up his hand and answered: "Just a minute, I have to go piss, bitch." "That would be terribly rude and impolite Leroy" the teacher replied. "How about you David? How would you say it."

David said: "I would say. I am sorry, but I really need to go for a dump. I'll be right back."

"Well' I suppose that would be a little better, but its still not very nice to say the word "dump" at the dinner table. What about you Jimmy, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? What would you say?"

"I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

Two Englishmen and Scotsman went to a Soho strip club. They sat down at a table at the front, and soon a sexy blonde came over and began dancing on their table.

Within minutes, she had taken off everything apart from her bra and panties. Then she took off her bra, and one of the Englishmen licked a £50 note and slapped it to her left butt cheek. The second Englishmen responded himself by licking a £50 note and slapping it to her right butt cheek.

Finally she removed her panties, whereupon the Scotsman whipped out his credit card, swiped the crack in her arse, and disappeared with the £100.

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it!
You never know when you might need a nail.

One day a housewife was going about her usual routine of cleaning the house when suddenly she felt intensely horny. Unfortunately her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.

She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was still writhing around in the middle of the living-room floor.

He glanced through the mail and said to his wife: "Honey when you've finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"