Jokes

I knew a gay dyslexic person once, how do I know he was gay, you ask? every time he saw a woman, he had an allergic erection

A little boy went into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. "Mummy" he asked, "what's that between your legs?"
"That's my Squirrel" she replied.

Later that day, he saw his Grandma in the shower. "Grandma" he asked, "what's that between your legs?"
"That's my Squirrel" she replied.
"Well, Mummy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."
"That's because your mummy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has."

An American Soldier serving in Asia met this lovely Chinese girl in the park. They ended up having dinner and that night in the hotel while having sex, the girl let out a very loud fart.

The soldier jumped out of bed to get away from the smell. The embarrassed girl looked at him and said: "Oh, so sorry but front hole so happy, back hole must cheer."

After reading Fifty Shades of Grey, a wife asked her husband to tie her tightly to the bed.

"Now what?" he asked
"Hurt me!"
"Okay. You Have saggy tits and thick ankles."

Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

Three Boy Scouts, in uniform, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard cries for help. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
As it turned out, the man was Bill Clinton. The president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them.
"I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said.
"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.
"We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied.
"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.
"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"
"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"

I said to me wife "I want to do something kinky tonight, I want to shoot my load in your ears".
After a long think about it she replied, "No, I might go deaf".
To which I responded...."I've been shooting my load in your mouth for years and your still f#@king talking".

A guy met a girl in a pub. They chatted, got drunk and ended up at her apartment.

"Listen" he said "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time, I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."

"Well we can take it slow babe" she smiled. "How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah."
"Then."