Jokes

I'm not saying me wife's fat and ugly, but when she lost her first tooth as child she was paid a visit from the "Tusk Fairy".

A guy out for a drink with his mates spotted a pretty girl and tried to chat her up by saying: "I was going to tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long"

"What a coincidence" the girl replied icily. "I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

At a retirement-home dance, two deaf old men were eyeing up and attractive old lady who was sitting by herself. Eventually one of the men plucked up the courage to ask the lady for a dance.

She replied: "I'm sorry, but right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

"What did she say? asked the friend.

"I didn't quite catch it all, but she said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."

One evening, a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord. A hot blonde came waltzing in and the priest asked her: "What can I do for you my child?"

The blonde immediately jumped on him and said: "I want you now! Take me!"

"I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed.
"Shag me now!" she replied. "Shag me hard up the ass!"

The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse to reveal a pair of huge breasts. "But my child" he protested, "you are in the house of the Lord."

"I don't care, take this horny virgin now, you sexy son of a bitch!"

The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and looking up at the Lord, he cried: "Jesus Christ, help me. What should I do?"

A voice came back: "Don't just bloody stand there, you idiot. Get me down off this bloody cross!"

The Pope was having some work done in the Vatican. As he passed along a corridor, one of the carpenters accidentally hit his thumb with a hammer and yelled in agony: "Fucking hell!"

The Pope was horrified and told the carpenter: "My son, this is the house of God. Such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way, you should offer your prayer to our Lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering."

Next day as the Pope was passing, the same carpenter chopped off his fingers with a saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus Help me now!" said the carpenter.

With that, the fingers levitated and miraculously reattached themselves to the poor carpenter's hand. All the blood vanished, and the carpenter wiggled his fingers, with a huge smile on his face.

"Fucking hell" said the Pope.

Monica L. had taken some clothes in to be cleaned. The attendant was an old man, hard of hearing. She was telling the man what she wanted, and was holding a dress while talking. The old man put a hand up to his ear, and said, "Come again?" "No," said Monica, "It's mustard this time!"

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An elderly couple were competing in their golf clubs annual seniors tournament. On the final hole, the wife had to make a six-inch putt to tie with the leading score, but she missed and victory was lost.

In the car on the way home, the husband was still angry about the miss. "I can't believe you didn't hole that putt" he snapped. It was no longer than my willy!"

"Yes dear" she replied. "But it was much harder."