Jokes

A girl unzipped a guy's trousers and said: "Oh, dear, your dick wouldn't make a very good clock."
"What do you mean?" he asked
"Because I'd struggle to get a second hand on it."

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the senior sales assistant: "Do you have cotton wool balls?"
"What do you think I am" he replied, a bastard teddy bear?"

^ I actually do that... did it last year as well lol

Brunette: 'You wanna come to my New Years Eve party?'

Blonde: 'Sure, when?'

I just saw Snow White and she called out, "Happy Yew Near!"

"You mean, 'Happy New Year,'" I corrected her.

"No," she said. "I'm looking for my friend, you retard!"

I wasn't sure whether to go out on New Year's Eve or not, but in the end it comes down to money.

Twenty quid on taxis, thirty quid to get into a club, fifty quid on booze...

It works out a lot cheaper than staying in with the heating on, so fuck it. I'm going out.

Back in 2004, an Army major asked a new young recruit: "Son, can you tell the difference between British Tanks and Iraqi Tanks?"
"No sir" he replied.
Shaking him by the hand, the major said: "Then welcome to the United States Army...."

How is a blonde like a shotgun?
Four cocks and she's loaded.

Wife: "Does my bum look big in this?"
Husband: "Do you want the honest truth?"
Wife: "Yes. Don't hold back."
Husband: Okay. I'm sleeping with your sister."

Not really a joke



But you probably laughed.

Blow Job Etiquette - A Woman's Perspective

We are not obliged to do it, so if you get one, be grateful. Really grateful....like diamond necklace grateful.

I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw - it is not standard practise to cum on someone's face.

It is not essential to swallow.

My ears are not handles.

Do not push on the top of my head - unless you want to risk ending up with puke on your dick.

I don't care how relaxed you get: it is never ok to fart.

Having my period does not automatically mean that I'm going to blow you instead. I could just feel like shit and have no interest in sex for a week.

If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked" for you.

If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate how we acquired our expertise. Just enjoy the moment.

No, it doesn't taste particularly good - and I don't care about the protein content.

No, I will not do it while you watch TV.

Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is neither appropriate to sympathize nor brag.

A man was sitting on a bus when a beautiful young mother sat down next to him and began breastfeeding her baby.

The baby was reluctant to take it, so the mother said: "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding properly, so the mother repeated: "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"

At this, the man said. "Listen love, will you make your bloody mind up? I should have got off four stops ago!"

A chavette was washing the dishes when her three year-old daughter asked her: "Mummy why are your hands so soft?"
The mother replied: "It's cos I'm only fifteen, innit?"


Wife: "I'm leaving you because of your OCD.
Husband: "Close the door seven times on your way out."


Two guys were chatting in the pub. One said: "I just didn't understand why Sir Paul McCartney ever married Heather Mills. He could have had any woman in the world"
His friend replied: "Some people will do anything just to get a disabled parking space."