Jokes

A young man and his girlfriend were lying naked on the bed. After five minutes of kissing and cuddling, he said to her: "I'd like you to go downtown, if you know what I mean."

With a weary sigh, she got on her knees in front of him and started peering at his genitals, flicking her head this way and that, studying his equipment in detail without actually touching him.

After a few minutes, he began to lose patience. "What exactly are you doing?" he demanded.

She replied: "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking."

Why Dogs Are Like Men

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both mark their territory.

Neither one tells you what's bothering them.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Both fart shamelessly.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

At his wife's funeral, her husband was standing next to her casket in the church when her attractive young cousin approached him.

"There's no need for you to feel lonely, Tom, now Sally's gone" she said fingering his tie.

"I don't think I'm quite ready yet," he replied. "I need a bit more time."
"I'm sorry", she muttered. "Too soon?"
"Yeah, your sister's just sucked me off in the vestry, so give me ten minutes."

A woman was standing in an alley waiting for a friend when she was approached by a nasty-looking man brandishing a gun.

"Take off your top!" he barked.
"I can't" she replied.
"Take it off!" he ordered, thrusting the gun in her face.
Shaking with fear, she pulled off her top.

"Ok, now the bra!" he demanded.
"I don't want to" she whimpered. "Please..."
"Do it, or I'll shoot you!" he sneered.
Reluctantly she removed her bra.
"Now, take off your skirt, and be quick about it!" he shouted, pressing the gun into her mouth.
Terrified she quickly took off her skirt.

"Now your pretty little panties! he growled in triumph.
"You really don't want me to do that" she stammered.
"Do it now" he yelled.

So she pulled down her panties. To the gunman's horror, not only was she on her period, but she had a nasty-looking rash and lice were crawling through her pubic hair. Falling to his knees in repulsion by the sight, he accidently dropped his gun.

"Quick as flash, the woman picked up the gun, pointed it at him and said: "Eat me!"

You Know Its Going To Be A Bad Day When:

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

You find the Yellow Pages open at "Hitmen."

You call the Samaritans and they put you on hold.

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your cat chokes on your goldfish.

The fortune teller charges you half price.

Your blind-date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Two priests on holiday worry they’ll stand out in their normal clothes, so they buy open collar shirts and light coloured trousers before going down to the beach.

Along the beach comes a gorgeous girl, topless, who smiles and says to them “Good morning Fathers”.

The two priests are gobsmacked they’ve been recognised as holy men.

So they go off and come back the next day with sun hats, Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts.

The same girl is there again, and says “Good morning Fathers”.

“How did you know we were priests?” they ask, amazed.

“Don’t you recognise me?,” she says, “It's me - Sister Mary Jane”.

Whenever I go out lately, I'm followed by a bird with long legs. I think I'm being storked.

If an indoor shooting range is ablaze, what do you shout to alert them?

How does Frankenstein sit in his chair? Bolt upright.

A young man joined the Navy and sat down for his first meal on board ship. Throughout the meal, his fellow sailors emitted loud rumbling farts, much to the amusement of everyone present.

Anxious to fit in, the young man managed to squeeze out a small, barely audible fart. The whole room immediately fell silent and everyone turned to look at him.

Slowly the huge First Mate stood up and announced in a booming voice: "All right men! The virgin's mine!"