Jokes

A man went to a brothel and asked: "How much for Anal?"
"£150" replied the hooker.
"That's a bit expensive" the man replied. "I think I'll leave it."
"Tight arse!" she yelled.
"Oh go then, he said. "You've talked me into it."

My mate went to bed with two Thai girls last night. He said it was just like winning the Lottery. They had six matching balls.

Does this sound like a job for you ?

Standing in front of a full length mirror, a middle aged woman said to her husband: "Tell me honestly, do these jeans make my butt look like the side of the house?"
"No" he replied. "The side of the house isn't blue."


A hooker went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make another hole near her asshole. The surgeon was surprised at such a request and asked: "Why on earth would you want such a procedure?"

The hooker replied: "Business is booming, and I want to be rich at a young age. So I'm opening another branch."

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

How do you know a chav is a bad father?
He lets his 13-year-old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

I've finally come to terms with my hideous deformity. She's agreed to a divorce.

My ex-girlfriend tried to make me jealous by sucking off a dwarf. To be honest I thought it was a low blow.

What's the best thing about owning a round bed?
You can do a lap of honour when you finish.

My mates wife suggested he that get one of those penis enlargers. So he did. She's 22 and her names Kirsty.

An American guy and a Ukrainian guy were standing in front of the urinals. The American pulled out a huge dick from his pants and said proudly to the Ukrainian: "Buffalo Bill!"
The Ukrainian then pulled out three enormous dicks and said "Chernobyl!"