Jokes

A man woke his wife one morning and asked her: "Which would you prefer Sex or Coffee?"
"It doesn't matter" she replied coldly. "Either way it will be instant."

What do girls from Arkansas and bears have in common?
They both suck their paws.

A man said to his new work colleague: "Someone told me the kids at school used to call you four eyes. Why? You don't wear glasses?"
"I-I-I-I have a stutter."

What Your Pet Says About You

Staffordshire Bull Terrier - I am a loan shark.

Rottweiler - I am a loan shark who has made enough to buy my own pub.

Poodle - I am an elderly homosexual.

Cat - I am a spinster or a Bond villain or someone who likes having a pet but not having them around much.

Pigeons - These are my only real friends since Thatcher closed down t'pit.

Snake - I am a potential serial killer.

Panther - I live on the edge of a bleak moorland and enjoy scaring the shit out of sheep and ramblers.

Crocodile - I am incredibly stupid and this won't end well.

Gerbil - I am very kinky.

Great Dane - Couldn't afford a donkey.

Mammoth - You are Sir Richard Attenborough in Jurassic Park.

Horse - My dad feels guilty about leaving Mummy for his secretary.

What's the definition of premature ejaculation?
You're squirting, while she's still flirting.

What did the yellow tooth say to the white tooth?
"Is it cos I is plaque?"

If oral sex is represented as a sexual position by a "69", what position is a "96"? - Not speaking to each other.

Twelve guys decided to take a trip through the Sahara Desert, so they went to the Arab camel-hire post to buy some transport.

They were told by the Arab owner it was a 1,000 dinars a camel, which they said was too expensive, with there being 12 of them so they decided to buy just one camel, which they would all ride sitting on the beast from head to tail.

Riding like this, they set off into the desert, but after a mile or so the camel started staggering under its heavy load. It could hardly take another step.

The first guy on the camels snout turned to the second and said: "I guess the camel is fucked." The second turned to the third and relayed. "I guess the camel is fucked." The third passed it on to the fourth and so on, until the eleventh man turned to the twelfth who was sitting on the camels very end and said: "I guess the camel is fucked."

"So what do you want me to do?" said the twelfth. "If I pull out, I'll fall off!"

Johnny: I want to buy dog food.
Seller: Do you have a dog?.
Johnny: Yes.
Seller: Where is it?.
Johnny: At home.
Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell you dog
food unless i see the dog, it is
our policy.

The Next Day.
Johnny: Do you have cat food?
Seller: Where is your cat?.
Johnny: It is at home.
Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell cat food
for you unless i see the cat.

2 Days Later.
Johnny went there holding a black
nylon bag.
Seller: What is in your bag?..
Johnny: Put your hand inside.
(The Seller Puts His Hand Inside).
Seller: It’s cold, what is it?.
Johnny: It is my shit. I need toilet
paper.

Over lunch, two women were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. After a while the first woman leaned over and confided: "I'm thinking of having a boob job"

"Oh, that's nothing" said her friend. "I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached"

"Really?" said the first. "I can't quite picture your husband as a blond!"